Today my thoughts turned to Primary Attribute Errors. I have an anonymous lurker (you know who you are!!!) to thank for a fantastic hour of brain twisting this afternoon.
The Primary Attribute Error is one of my favourite concepts - so much so that I really can't believe it doesn't make an appearance in the book (the first one anyway...I'm sure I can squeeze it into number 2).
So what is it? It's the tendency for us to associate observed behaviours, in ourselves or in others, with Primary Attributes. Oh, and it's an error!
Let me explain. Person A does something good. We say "She's a good person." Person B does something evil. We say "He's an evil person."
Both are errors. The truth is that we are all capable of good and evil. And every other observed behaviour. We all know about ourselves that we can be lazy, funny, energetic, morose, sad, ecstatic, intelligent and dumb. If we're honest we know the same about others. It's one of the great things about being human.
The error we make is that we attach Primary Attributes to people. So, I'm lazy, you're funny, he's energetic, she's morose. The real truth is that I'm sometimes lazy, you're sometimes funny etc. It may even stretch to "normal" behaviour. So I'm normally lazy, you're normally funny etc. But it's the extension of this to a primary attribute which is the error.
Why is it so wrong? Well, I believe it's because it gives us all an excuse. If I'm a lazy person then I can't do anything about it. If I have a choice about whether I behave lazily or not, well then my excuse is taken away. If I'm a good person, then I can convince myself I don't have to worry about the times I'm not good. If I can be good as a choice, then I am to blame when I choose not to be good.
There is a gap between the stimulus and the response. In the gap is our power to choose our behaviours, to choose our reactions, to choose whether to act in a good way, or an evil way, or somewhere in between. In the gap is our power to deny primary attributes that we or others have erroneously attached to us.
In the gap is our freedom to be human.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Random musings of a random Moose
The moose...
...and the muffins
About Me
Some of my links...take a look if you like!
Blog Archive
-
▼
2007
(155)
-
▼
February
(17)
- The 3 bucket game
- Six degrees of myself...
- Decisions, decisions.
- Simple ain't easy...
- Self help...
- Show don't tell...
- Whales walking in Wales?
- Run moose run...
- It's a conspiracy...
- Hoarding...
- Education, education, education...
- Empty head...
- Guilty feeling I got no rhythm...
- Stick to your knitting...
- Freedom...
- Why do I do it?
- Unlikely statements...
-
▼
February
(17)
47 comments:
I am somtimes an enthusiastic person. I am sometimes an energetic person. I am sometimes a confident and forthright person. I am sometimes a shy and introvert person.
I hope I am always the person that I most need to be for me at that time. If sometimes I pretend to be a person that I might not truly be then I hope that it's only to protect myself from danger of one sort or another.
Tonight I am simply happy, home and tired...
Goodnight and God Bless
Luv
Lyndyloo
& the Bears
-x-x-x-
hello Everyone
have been really busy at work last 2 days, so have just skimmed through todays commenting..you all sound so friendly and kinda wise.
Moose - good question you pose, fine sir....It reminded me a bit of the speech that the Scottish comedienne ( her name will come to me)it did - Rhona Campbell - did on the first IACGMOOH "sometimes". I worry about that gap to choose, because i don't make good choices when it comes to eating! When labelled as something, do you all find it is hard to rid oneself of that label (from ones own perspective and also fom someone elses) one has to work doubly hard on changing a persons mind once it is made up? Or am I missing the point?
The other thing is, as humans do we take the path of least resisitance, therefore make the same choices we have made time and time again..and hence make the same mistakes or successes?
I missed you all today that's why i'm commenting now (it's 1.29) Hopefully I'll drop in tomorrow.
Love caroline x
P.S Chapter 4 please...soon
I love connections and threads in novels..good work fella!
P.P.S MfR was that your tunes?
P.P.P.S hey guys what would your 2 tunes be? for me: grandmaster flash and the furious five - the message and massive attack - unfinished sympathy - reminds me of hometown Bristol
Moose,
I guess you can identify the anonymous lurker by the IP address as the site owner I presume you can see it. For me for example you should show two, one from home and my work (which is on a central server) I have been lurking a lot with out even chance to read all of the comments let alone contribute or keep up as the site move with such great pace! ;-)
I think any one of us can be all of the primary attributes you so clearly describe dependant upon our /state of mind/time of life or even life experiences. Normally I am a happy go lucky kind of chap. At the moment I am in more of a sombre kind of mood. I am aware that due to my very heavy work commitments I am neglecting my family. Do not get me wrong they want for nothing in the material world as I provide a warm, safe home with good food on the table it is just they have to endure it without me for ever longer periods.
In my long running saga with my employers and my work load, Friday this week should be my last day in office after resigning in December. I am loathed to go at this time as when thinking about it that in there right mind would employ an overweight cancer patient and take the risk on their business? Am I a risk or an asset? I have to say that if it was me doing the interview or sift to interview I am not sure I would employ me so my friends what to do?
Do I stay or do I go, go!
Typing this listening to Dolly Parton singing 9 to 5 and thinking if only!
Still I will try to join in from today again and treat my all but possibly small contributions (after this one) as coffee break.
Talking of coffee…..Garibaldi anyone?
Keith the BigUn
xx
Well hallo all!
MfR - Didn't hear the show at all last night, but I think it's a damn shame that they/he couldn't get your records right - makes you wonder if everyone elses are the correct choices too!
One thing just crossed my mind through the usual blur...If you were to get a whole load of people who 'know' you, all together in one place, firstly I wonder if they would come up with the sort of person you think you are, and two, would they recognise you in the other peoples description?
I have many faces, I'm not even sure which one is my own.
Hey Keith, was beginning to wonder where you were...good to see you honey...and with regard to your prospects, if you view yourself as an overweight cancer patient, that's how the selectors and interviewers would attribute their primary error (if that's the right way around to put it???). If you see yourself as a loving, caring, enthusiastic, clever, positive attitude etc etc you get the drift...xxxx just because I can...
love
hazel
x
ps Good to see you back Caroline!
pps Bet the bears were pleased to see you too lyndyloo!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I just found this joke again as was hit by the BP (can not think why) on the other side some time ago and thought this may be an appropriate time to post it! :-)
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions eg. fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with NV."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"
Paddy replies, "Well..........., Oim fok'n discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair."
Keith the BigUn
xx
It really annoys me when people ask what's the matter with me, when nothing is - their error is to think that I am always jolly and cheerful (and yes a tad excitable although never highly strung!), whereas sometimes I just like to have a little quiet time so that I can resume my cheerful frivolity! Do you have any idea how exhausting it can be to be 'up' all the time, trying to make people a bit more cheerful too.
I'm not naive but I don't understand why people can't see the positive side of things all the time, like I do. If you believe in something happening then I think it will be more likely to happen (like the whole fairy existing argument).
Have lost my brain - am hop9ing for snow tomorrow so I can have another duvet day as it will be impossible to get to work (that's what I'm telling the people here anyway!)
:o) Jo
Morning all,
I brought some Walkers Homebake Shortbread today, please help yourselves.
The one thing which is consistently said about me is "you are completely off your head". Now people are meaning that in an affectionate way, and my behaviour is pretty much never what other people would call normal. So I am presuming therefore that the initial assumption of me is correct. Ah well.
My two tunes ; Aztec Camera, How Men are , Yazz & the Plastic Population, The Only Way is Up. 1988, Husband in Navy In Australia, request on BFPS, My song - Aztec Camera for his birthday, which made me cry, cause I was missing him, followed by The Only Way Is Up. Which was never truer.
DWNB
Jo....
I used to have the same problem.... But now I just enjoy my madness. Never have a quiet time now. Sing and Dance ALWAYS.
DWNB
Keith,
Good to have you back...the anonymous lurker is not anonymous to me...just to everyone else!
Hmmm...work dilemma. The PAE gives some hints. Even if you are an overweight cancer patient you are ALSO (normally) hard-working, conscientious, professional, dedicated etc etc.
The problem with the PAE is that most people make the error most of the time.
An interview is designed to make the interviewer make PAEs about people, deciding in the space of an hour whether they are competent, enthusiastic etc. Well, not only is this an error, but it's darned near impossible anyway. Even if they don't make the PAE they are trying to do this near impossible and determine someones "normal" pattern of behaviour in that brief and unreal hour.
So this both helps, because we can play the game, present the positive front, and hope they make the error in the positive, or at least become convinced that the positive traits we display are normal for us.
But it also hinders because it means that we always have to work on the assumption that they will make the error, and that they may make it negatively.
I don't know, but I suspect that if you were convinced about leaving, you wouldn't be still thinking about it now at this late stage. You would have plans, the CV out there, contacts made with recruiters, scanning the FT for ads etc etc. Now I know you're busy, but if one is convinced about leaving, one makes the time somehow.
The danger is that if you've made your demands, and they have either not responded or responded in a very minimal way, you now have to "call". The TV camera is on you in this game of poker. So the real question is how strong your hand is?
You could try to pass it on and bluff. Remind your boss of the conversation, remind him of the deadline, state where you think they have listened and responded, and simply ask his point of view. Ask him what he thinks is going to happen next. And then sit back and listen. Make sure you let him do the talking even when tempted to step in. Don't commit anything. Leave long silences and make HIM fill them.
You might just find something out that helps you decide.
Just an idea, take it or leave it!
Oh, and my two tunes:
Power of Love - Huey Lewis
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves.
Also 1988 - finals at Uni. Played those two before every exam to psych myself up. They still work today!
MfR - well done for getting on anyway. You like conspiracy theories...how about this one...
ARF - they pick the playlist during the afternoon (a few more than they need to fill the time), and then try to find people that have requested them.
Gobsmackers - same. If only one song fits, they just play theirs.
Moose - very, very interesting. Is that what they mean when they say ' MIND THE GAP'
I know I want to say a fair bit about this subject, but the words aren't coming to my mind at present....watch this space....or gap.
MfR - great link - shame it wasn't conveyed. That is the essence of the gobsmackers n'est-ce pas?
Keith - xxxxxxxxxxx - remember the golden rule...follow your heart. The question, my friend is this....are you leaving? ie is it too late to renege on your resignation? If the answer is yes, you are leaving, then please concentrate on your next stage ie looking for something that suits you better. Please do not dwell on what YOU SEE as negative attributes. We all have some.
If the answer is no, you don't need to leave and you can think again, then think again. But (sorry to start sentence with a conjunction, but needs must) follow your heart. That's what you tell me......
Regarding what we would call our negative attributes: my boss before the one before last used to say to me. 'I would much prefer to employ you Gaby, for example, because I know what I am getting.!!!' ('in yer dreams love' I wanted to retort!!) He would said to me 'I know you are divorced, bringing up your kids alone etc etc. I would rather have you with your 'knowns' that some 'whipper-snapper' whose concerns and stresses I know nothing about'. Sometimes, with age we are more 'obvious' and 'candid' to our prospective employers and therefore less of a risk.
Gaby
x
Hello everyone
Good to be back Hazel, just don't start a running joke, please, 'cos i will never get any housework done today!!!!! Oo go on then!
Hi Keith - great joke, will save that for Mr caroline tonight. It's a shame you couldn't make enough money by posting jokes on the internet/blogs...'cos you'd be a millionaire soon! you are what you think and portray yourself as, so think yourself "fabulous"
Ooh and matt, i now read one song from last night was incorrect..what a bummer, at least we all know what the real one should be and the reasons, and conspiracy theory could have a ring of truth..but as chris says with the 7 notes (sic) there are alot of tunes to choose from..so maybe not.
Thanks chaps for your 2 tunes...can you tell a person from their 2 tunes?
Moose, getting psyc'd up....do it regularly do you?! 1988 was first job for me (but only did HND so 2yrs at Uni) so has a similar effect!
DWNB - Husbands& tunes...ahh having a good dance IS THE BEST
Jo- I wonder if duvet days are worth it sometimes..2 days work in 1 day..nasty!
Gaby, hello..nasty boss, but good insight to the more mature.
OK must dash..mum is coming to stay, have to clean up/tidy up then off to the airport. may catch up much later..so have a good day everyone... Hope it doesn't snow!
Love caroline x
P.S I've taken a Walkers Shortbread and garibaldi and put it behind my ear for Ron (later'on) Thanks DWNB and Keith
As usual, loads to think about!
I believe that we all have our "public" face and our "private" face. If you met me, I would hope you would see someone who has a good personality, quite kind in that I try to never put anyone down, and also I don't mind putting other people first. If they want to do something and I don't particularly fancy it, I'll go along with it if I can.
Privately, it's quite a different matter. Up until very recently I was a person plagued by the past, always lying awake in the middle of the night trying to make sense of something that happened to me when I was 15/25/35, etc. Just such a waste of a life! Now, I am much happier with myself, but I am not always the happy person I let my friends see. My husband sees my "dark side" and even some of that, I hide from him! I think we do have a choice as to how we behave and sometimes we let ourselves down, but I believe it's called being human!
BigUn, you are in a quandary. I wish I could help you in your decision, but I do understand your fear. I was offered a terrific job 6 years ago. Didn't take it, totally out of fear and I have regretted it ever since. I also now think that if I presented myself for an interview, who on earth will employ a 50 year old, kinda fat, kinda over the hill? However, Moose is right, if I REALLY wanted to do something about it, I would! Here I go again with the "inner voice" thing, but in the main it works! Listen to your inner voice, it's telling you everything, and if you want to stay where you are, you stay!
I'm going now, be back later no doubt!
C xx
in the interest of showing enthusiasm and keeping up with the 'evans'' next door (bless him...if it weren't for him ...etc etc), I popped my head round the door and tried to post.
After a few unsuccessful attempts, I had a big-page-spread (steady boys) from the beeb saying there was a server error or summut. I felt like a little girl who had just plucked up the courage to post an envelope (small letter) into the post box for the first time, only to have Lennox Lewis' big left hand jabbing my missive right back at me.
Gaby
ps Garibaldi - yes please
Don't worry about it Gaby - I've just been posting and hoping for the best when there's a Network Error, it's been happening to me for days. Lo and behold, my posts still turn up, but just a bit later. You'll probably find that you duplicate yourself or something now!
Any Ginger Nuts? Good for nausea you know!
:o) Jo
Squashed fly biscuits...haven't had one of those for YEARS! Just one though, we have no running water (no running in the corridor either please) so am unable to rinse, and the public can visit here if they so wish. I would not want their PAE to be 'She's got black bits in her teeth'.
Never heard of 'PAE' itself, but visited it on several courses and other occasions by other name...I'm LOVING your blogs! SO much to think about, and you're making all of us question ourselves too. I'm still kinda hoping this is a good thing on my part...ooooooh hidden treasures, or not quite so valuable...hmmmm?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch - Moose - is the snow deep where you're from in Canada? In deference to the Great British weather forecast, I have just phoned our local survival line. They are out of pemmican, biltong and jerky, but do still have a few cartons of pork scratchings left.
Gotta go. Am concentrating on future. Possibly more later.
love
hazel
x
ps Moose. I'm quite good at poker.
It's funny how we can use attributes, especially negative ones, to make excuses for doing the things we do! Think how better we would feel about ourselves if we challenged these things?
For me, one of them is that I'm an untidy person! But I guess this is a reminder to myself that I let myself be disorganised and untidy! Bummer! That means that I should really choose not to be!
Having problems next door! Spent ages yesterday writing a comment back to everyone and it was BP'd - was so upset! Perhaps I should be posting it here?! And I keep getting 502 today! Grr!
My Gobsmakers:
Gwen Stefanii's, What You Waiting For and Mika's, Grace Kelly!
At the beginning of February 2005, I was heavily pregnant and overdue with our daughter! Not only was Gwen Stefani in the charts, but What You Waiting For was frequently thrown at my bump! Two years on and our daughter Charis is already a music aficionado, and loves to sit and watch Mika's video for Grace Kelly! What can I say - the lass has taste! These two songs would bring back so many happy memories - the birth, albeit scary, of our wee miracle and the fun of her 2nd birthday last Saturday!
I'll join you for coffee and a bit of shortbread!
Huggles, Susan <><
Jo, you are quite right. The very thought of ginger nuts turn my stomach.
I'm just got a post to go through. Whether it will make it past the BP's remains to be seen. I'm sure it all ballsed up once they (that mysterious person) put the photos on there.
Keith - an exercise for you. Get a trusted colleague to go out into the car park with you. Whilst you keep your eyes closed and your back to them, ask them move away from you a little way, and to draw a line (chalk, bit of string, just lay a pen down, anything, it really doesn't have to be a long line) on the ground. The other side of the line is the unknown. Your side of the line is the known. Turn to face the line. Take a couple of deep breaths, keep your eyes closed and walk towards the line while you concentrate on where the line may be. When you decide to open your eyes, see which side of the line you have ended up on.
...but it might help?
love
hazel
x
Keith - stay positive honey - you obviously feel that this is not the place for you - you'll find your niche elsewhere!
Jo - I know exactly what you mean! I always feel I have to be bright and cheery and encourging to everyone else, when sometimes I just feel like saying sod off!!!! lol!
DWNB - keep singing and dancing! Do you think CLP will give the Holy Isle a go? We are determined to make it this year! Not a Buddhist, but want to see how it's changed since we were last there.
Caroline - enjoy your Mum's visit! What is it with them visiting that makes us go into a mad frenzy of tidying!?
ChrissieS - Welcome to the dark side! I am there quite a lot, so I'll look out for you!
Gaby - you always make me smile! I'm ALWAYS getting that message, only to discovr later that I've posted the same thing 2 or 3 times cos I go back and repost!
Jo - that's no way to talk about CLP!
Hazel love - you're a blast!
Love and Huggles!
Susan <><
PS Did you know ..... that someone always mashes my fish (<><) when I post it next door .... no matter where I try to put it! Give it a go and see if any of us can get a fish through next door's letter box!!
<><
<><
<><
<>< ..... because I can .... because Moose let's me!!!
Ok ... take it back ... my pot to everyone yesrteday must have been posted later!
oops!! lol !! - have just peeked next door and mine (pl.) are there too!!! lol
above from me
An example of PAE - enjoy!
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.
You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amanda x
WHEEEEEEEEEEE my post is there! (She's a happy person)
Susan S, just for you, I hope this works in a Scottish accent...it's not exactly M*ka...(other Grace Kelly fans are available) and it is (severely) plaguarised from a very popular 20th century author, but here we go anyway.
Charis Spew
Was nearly tew
When she went out of doors
She went out standing up she did But came back on all foors
The moral of this story is
Please meditate and pause
Is never send a baby out
In loosely-waisted drause
...and my gobsmackers? Depends on my mood...or the mood people think I'm in...that dashed PAE, thrown me completely - I'm gonna have to be rude to them in the Spar now just to even it up a bit.
love
hazel
x
mebbe a bit of Alice Cooper...
Yesterday I'm sitting on the train with Steve Macmanaman in a chair not too far away from me... yes, yes he's one of those vastly overpaid football type people but I have to say he's quite dishy. He meets the Lyndyloo criteria of being taller than me, broad shoulders, narrow hips and I just love the hair, it's a bit wild and unkempt a bit like my own.
I don't often get to travel in 1st class but because I booked this so long ago I got a mega deal... I don't understand this... If I had walked into my local station this morning and bought an ordinary class ticket for this train it would have cost me £48.00 single! Because I booked it some time ago I got a 1st class return for £70.00 just how does that work? I get free tea & coffe, treated like a human being and get to look at a dishy scouser.
Anyway I thought I'd just share that with you all.
Mange Tout
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Amanda - brilliant joke lol
Hazel love - very funny :)
lyndyloo - wow!! nice view that must have been - I like his colouring : ) I don't meant that to sound like a 'he has a good sense of humour'- type comment!!. I meant it as an additional appealing feature!! : )
Those were the days - took me back, your ref to macca - his days at Liverpool.
I am going out to Argoose to buy a heater - the boiler is on the way out and Uncle Tel said it is going to very cold.
Gaby
xx
is it time to put the sprouts on yet?
Gaby
Oh lyndyloo, how odd, only last week I was sitting in a first class carriage with no less than Eric the Bananaman.
Coincidence?
I don't think so.
Keith,
Your lack of posting inspire me to look for you when you aren't there.
You generate interest, even without us coming face to face with you.
You have LOADS to offer, obviouslly.
Every job I have left of my own accord, I always, always, the week before I go, think "have I made a mistake, should I stay?"
When you've made the decision, you've almost always made it for the right reasons.
Cheers Big Un.
DWNB
Hello all!
I've just caught up with the last couple of days posts - I've been otherwise engaged. Have enjoyed reading all the comments and it has given me a lift, which I needed.
Moose, the idea that you can accurately assess someone else in a short time particularly at interview, is important for both parties isn't it? On first meeting my prospective boss, I thought he was a decent, honest person that I would enjoy working for. I could not have been more wrong.
I mentioned last week the effect he has on my little team here. Anyway he informed me on Monday that my post is under risk of redundancy. This actually translates to a definite - I have seen the paperwork relating to others that he has disposed of before me, and he's very calculating in the timing, a day before I've been here a year in my case.
Well, although it is a shock, at least I will get out of here, and hopefully find somewhere that I will be appreciated. Funny, I often felt that I couldn't stand being treated the way he does for much longer, but it can be a bit of a risk to walk away from a job that you actually enjoy. Now the decision has been made for me and, along with a few other emotions, I have to admit to a bit of relief.
Keith, Hope things become clear for you. I can't imaging you ever being anything other than an asset! I've sometimes followed my heart and other times my head when making that sort of decision, and I'm still none the wiser!
Sarah
Dear Keith
I hope that by leaving your job you'll find everything falls into place for you and your family. The 'neglect' that you feel will hopefully be eased and you will be able to decide what is best for you - and them.
Someone as eloquent as you, my friend, will surely have no trouble in finding an employer who deserves you.
Good luck and keep the old chin up
jillygoat xx
Like McCrumble's book, this comment carries a health warning. Please feel free to skip straight past and on to something less damaging to your eyes and ears. It is in all senses a massive rant.
May contain nuts.
Sorry, but I've just been looking at the BBC News (other channels are available) and the 'Tarrants' have been granted a 'fast' divorce. I am INCENSED. My husband left me. He took £60,000 with him. He wouldn't pay for the two year separation, so 'we' are waiting for the five years - up this July 25th 2007, so that it is free. He committed adultery, but still I was told I would have to wait either 2 or 5 years.
I am INCENSED and absolutely spitting PINS. I am nearly as angry as I was when I found out that my ex (but not quite ex enough) husband was a low cheating b*stard, and hadn't left me for the reasons he stated.
OOOOOOOOOOOH it makes me mad.
I appreciate that life is a journey, without which I would never have found my wonderful boy, but this sort of thing with the 'Tarrants' just makes me want to throw things. I'm not desperately hanging on to marry again, or anything like that, but the fact that I'm still, to all intents and purposes, married to someone who left ME, who won't divorce ME, and I can't get rid for FIVE years, makes me seethe.
Every now and then it just rears it's ugly head, sorry to everyone, and thank you for your time.
By the way the PAE reading should have been 'He's a really gentle quiet bloke'. Read insensitive APE.
Oh Hazel - having been in the same situation myself, my heart goes out to you. Although you are technically 'free' to see other people and even set up home with them, legally you are bound to someone you want absolutely nothing to do with and five years is such a long time to wait.
At least July is fast approaching and freedom beckons!!
Much love, jillygoat xxxxxx
Hazel Love - empathies, my friend. My first thought when I read the same story was'how come, they were able to do it so quick'.
Although I am now divorced (since last august), we actually separated in 2001!!!!!. We did it on the 2 years separation thing - but it then took ages - my solicitor wouldnt 'take a view' on any situation and I became more stressed and more stressed. I felt like I was caught between two thingamajigs. I was getting pressure from both sides - from him to speed up and from solicitor to upturn every single bit of shingle. It was ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING.
Admittedly, I don't think ex or I realised how long these things take and he thought we would be able to sort it out over a coffee and then just get the legal bits done. I probably thought that too.
I know that is not quite what you were saying - in fact it wasnt at all -
am so cross with empathy for you that I am even missing out my apostrophes.
- it is thoroughly unfair and the ridiculous irony is that the people that can afford it (ie tarrants) are able to get it done quick.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market, they're asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand, After all it really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too!"
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
jillygoat xx
did I say exhausting....?
I would now like to add
EXCRUTIATING
anyone for a gin and tonic with their garibaldi
Oh Hazel,
I am so fortunate to have never been in your position but I can understand your rage. Life can be so unfair and my heart goes out to you. I am so glad you have found happiness now and can only imagine the party you will be having at the end of July!
Amanda x
BTW - the second time I divorced (and the last time I hasten to add - no point getting older if you don't get wiser!!!), it was an amicable split and we agreed to wait the two years. I got all the necessary forms from the local County Court, filled them in, got them witnessed by the appropriate people, paid what I had to, and waited. Two months later the divorce came through, I itemised all the costs and sent them to my now ex-hubby, and he paid his half. There were no children to consider which made it easier and the house was split equally between us.
It was the least painful divorce you could wish for but it came about having gone through such a dreadful time first time round.
jillygoat
Thank you all.
Amanda, a Party. I hadn't even thought of a Party. Yes I feel it warrants a capital Pee. Yes. A Party.
Gabster, excrutiating or exhausting, it sounds like a total nightmare baby!
and jillygoat - sublime my darling!
Moose, if the snow is really heavy tomorrow, do you have any friends who may be free to sledge me to work please? They may need to bring a coat because it looks like reindeer.
Once again, sorry if you've heard it before, but it is only seasonal.
By the way, Moose, that photo of you, your PAE - you look like a really nice bloke (for that read content and at peace with the world despite the horrific sunburn...) but then I think that may just be a PA rather than an E.
love
hazel
x
PA for Mrs Moose and the Mooselets - they're lucky people! definitely no E!
Hazel - if I bring the Asti and Pringles will I be allowed to join the party?
jillygoat xx
Hazel - make a bluetac model of said (nearly) ex and stick pins in all the important bits (brain, genitalia, that kind of thing). Then wrap up in a box and drop of a bridge leaving to float merrily downstream.
Hopefully by then some of the anger will be vented and you won't be on your way to busting a gasket!
Gladly I've never had to deal with any of that stuff and now I really hope I never have to.
I guess I'll be DES at the party although 2 units twice a week could surely be 4 once a week with no ill effects to baby spot?
Gaby - Chuck the gin over here I'm up for one of those (hold the garibaldi's though). Is it natural to crave alcohol??
Hazel, Gaby, Jillygoat,
Och, I've been WORKING all afternoon and missed what's been happening. Please, believe me I am not trying to dig up old stuff, but why was Ingrid Tarrant allowed her divorce so quickly? Is it simply because she has money?
I am not 100% sure, but I don't think you can get that quick a "quickie" divorce in Scotland. I'm pretty sure it's the 2 or 5 year option and that's it. English Law is different, I know.
Your experiences have been just awful, but the three of you sound really strong, albeit bloody raging mad!!
What absolutely drives me crazy about the whole Tarrant thing is that they will probably be re-married before the end of the year!
C xx
Gaby,
Am I too late for the G&T? Just what I need ;-)
Keith
x
Yay - Home time :o) Jo
Hazel- Loving the rant!!!
Are you sure you don't want to "phone a friend"? Agghhhhhhhh! Sorry I couldn't resist. Feel free to tell me I'm a gitbag and refuse to share your shortbread in future.
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Evening all,
I know I said I would blog more today and although this is only the third post that is more than I have been doing so things are looking up!
I am still in work ;-( but I have to reply with a few messages of thanks as I have only now really had time to get to read all of the replies to my spout off this morning!
Hazel, such very nice words from you….not for the first time. :-) I am not sure I recognise all of the descriptive you state when referring to me but I accept your vision of my PA’s xxxx because I can xxxx Thanks for the exercise to do…will it work indoors? It is freezing outside ;-( I sorry for your dealings with a man….we are all B@satrds you know, women always tell me that ;-) No one deserves what he did to you…..let me at him! ;-))
Moose, Thanks you for your very wise words. I think you are right when you say this is a very hard place to leave and I probably will not at this stage although I do still have other irons in the fire and may still be heading off in the near future. My boss will rip up my resignation letter at the blink of an eye; however your suggestion to approach him for any further assistance is floored in that the working group that hit my organisation looking into the workflow of my staff and I showed up his inadequacies to such an extent he has had his contract cancelled from August and he is not best pleased with my actions thus far.
Almost certainly I will be rewarded financially (back dated) and budgets are looking at this as I type and will make recommendations accordingly in the very near future. I have insisted on this not being a financial crusade and have offered to give any reward to charity this year to prove my intentions are good.
Gaby, such wise words…follow your heart…I have heard that somewhere before ....
Caroline, I am pleased you enjoyed the joke….I do still have plenty more…sorry ;-)
Chrissie s, I hear what both you and moose say and have to agree to an extent. My only point would be I have to do something about it rather than want to. The working hours are not helping me with my health issues and no life work balance. I do think that is my true goal….balance!
Susan, positive should be my middle name, I think ;-)
DWNB, you are sweet in what you say. I always think the world will keep revolving (around me, that is why a day is 24 hours long) whatever happens to this job. I just feel like the hunter gatherer providing for my family at whatever cost to me.
Sarah, clear as mud I am afraid.
Jillygoat, me eloquent….well I have been called some things in my time ;-) Any future employer had better watch out then!
Right how I get carried away! The Garibaldi’s are all gone my coffee is cold and no Gin in the office…….must be time to go home ;-)
Thanks again today you all. I am sorry to inform you….I will be back!
Keith the BigUn
xxx
Post a Comment