Is it me?

...But why do we have to make such a big show of giving money to charity? Call me a curmudgeon, call me a grumpy old man, call me whatever you like. For I know I am going against the flow and most likely find myself in a minority of one. I'm probably about to offend some or all of you so stop reading now if you want...

....Ok, you asked for it. Brace yourselves, but I just don't understand Comic Relief and Children in Need. I find the evenings themselves tedious beyond belief. If there ever was anything good on the TV (unlikely for a Friday night) then it's cancelled for this rubbish. And it's all just such a waste of time.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for charity and people giving until it hurts. We have it far too easy anyway. But why do people have to sit in a bath of beans to get us to donate 50p? Another 50p will get some long-haired bloke to shave his hair off. Just tell him he looks terrible anyway (sorry but they usually do) and get him to give the 50p to charity as a thank you for letting him know and saving him years of future embarrassment of looking like a twat.
And if some so-called men want to get their legs/arms/chest/back shaved then they should just do it, wear their wives dresses and high heels, put on some lippy and a wig and be proud of it. Don't hide behind the old "I did it for charity" excuse if you are really a closet transvestite.

Why do we find it so difficult to just give the money quietly, without any fuss and bother, and then get on with our lives? Set up a direct debit so the charity gets a regular flow of income (they can usually function better like that). Instead of using the time we spend having our parties, pushing people around in supermarket trollies or watching the dreaded CR does Fame Academy, go and use the time for something really worthwhile.

And celebs...don't get me started on the celebs. Too late!!! Even before we knew that some of them get paid for hosting these tediously banal events, I question why someone as rich as them thinks that the best thing they can do is present a show, sing a song and dress up or whatever. These people have loads of money. Together, they could eclipse the donations that all the little people make in a flash and not even notice the dent in their bank accounts. The ones who get paid for it don't notice that they've been paid for it, allegedly, so they wouldn't notice some money flowing out. Or would they? Do they have so much money precisely because it's "easy come and nothing ever, ever goes"?

I will not be watching on Friday. I will not be donating to Comic Relief. Nor to Children in Need. I never have and I'm not going to start now. I will not be sitting in a bath of beans. I will not be having my back waxed or shaved (even though it could probably do with it...). I will not be singing a song on the TV (I used to think that my lack of singing ability precluded this anyway but that clearly is no longer a relevant criterion). I don't like the Vicar of Dibley and couldn't care less if it's the first or last episode. Peter Kay is funny but not worth enduring the other crap to wait for his bit...I can probably watch it on YouTube within 24 hours if I want to.

Why can't we, just once, have one of these events where we all just say nothing. Do nothing. No beans, no waxing strips. Just cheques, direct debit forms and wads of crisp cash in collection boxes. If anyone tries to say anything about it, just hush them up gently, shake your head and move on. A giant NON-event in aid of charity.

I'll tell you why not. Because we wouldn't raise as much money. And I find that very sad.