I'm not sure whether you detected it, but there was an underlying seam of truth in what I blogged on CE today about Self Help books.
What I mean is that:
- most of them centre themselves on one very simple central tenet
- there is very little original in the world, so it's no surprise that these tenets are not new
- there is always place to recycle, reapply or just plain plagiarise other self help ideas
- recycling from other areas outside self help is even better
I have a chequered history with self help books. I like some of them. I have been taken in by many. I am a big fan of some writers, that I have already lauded on this blog - Stephen Covey and Paul McKenna among them.
Others I do think are charlatans and cheats, peddling dangerous rubbish that confuses and damages the very people it purports to help.
But the really big problem I have is that I think, for the most part, they actually cause harm rather than give help.
There is a tendency for people to be sucked into this world of self help. There's a fundamental assumption in all of them, that we have the power to change. To change anything and everything. After all, we wouldn't buy the things if they didn't give us hope to change whatever it is that they promise to help us change.
And this appeals to us. We so want to believe that we can change whatever befalls us, that we swallow this unwritten assumption at the start of these books.
The only problem is that we either don't change, or probably more often, we don't change enough. What doesn't change though, is our willingness to believe that we can and will change.
So what do we do?
Well, sometimes we move on to the next self help book in the series, or the next author, believing that they will unlock the missing secret that will "fix" our problem.
Sometimes we move on to our next issue, either because we think the first one is fixed, fixed enough, too hard, or not the real issue after all.
We still believe that the next book will help.
Sometimes, I think I have read too many of the things...I do tend to get caught up in self-absorbed analysis of what my problem is/problems are, to the exclusion of doing the simple right things.
I see evidence all the time of other people caught up in a similar thread.
I even worry sometimes that the blog is another form of the same thing.
Meanwhile, there is something deeply compelling about the genre. Millions of copies do sell every single day. Many people are living the dream. But my question is whether it is just that - a dream?
I go back to my faith to look for answers.
I find the story of the Samaritan woman at the well incredibly compelling. Jesus confronts her with "everything I've ever done" which includes "five husbands"...
What does he do then? He says to her to "Go and sin no more." That's it. Not a load of self-analysis. Not a lot of nice words. Just go and sin no more.
But you can't earn millions writing a self help book about that.
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53 comments:
Hi Moose and bloggers,
I can profess to reading a book called "think and grow rich" by napoleon hill which changed my life. I still refer back to it when I get confused. I think that the peoblem with most of these books is that we read them and then don't take the actions required to make the change... then blame the book and not ourselves. In order to change you must actually do something differently. Just the act of reading does not create change apart from a temporary shift in your mind. You can, I beleive change yourself, you have to change the way that your mind takes in information and then change what you do with that information. Don't blame the books (htough I'm sure there are some rubbish ones out there). Beleive that you can be who you want to be then begin to live your life as that person.
A bit heavy for this time in the morning but ce la vie!
Hooray for Nico on CE last night and Wooopeee! for him mentioning Port St George... what a star!!
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
DANGER - FAIRLY LONG ONE AHEAD
But Moose, are they really 'living the dream' or are they suddenly going to be brought up short when they realise they don't have the ability to sustain the dream?
A friend of mine always had two or three of these books on the go. Life as a Single Girl, How to Find and Keep a Man etc. She is a lovely person, but I think she has gone beyond just being 'her' if that makes sense? She is/was TERRIBLY analytical of any situation, and will go into most with a pessimistic attitude first off without giving something or someone a chance. She already doesn't feel good enough. She is a qualified Solicitor, so I don't necessarily think she would have chosen 'bad' books, but I rue the day when the first book was introduced to her! Nothing ever lives up to her expectations, and it's such a shame.
Anyway, of course some of your blog is self-absorbed analysis, that is what it is for - it's yours and you can do what you like with it! You also give the rest of us food for thought with your moosings, and you should always ask the audience, because then you get the most truthful answer.
Golly, I've been at work for an hour and a half already.
Tempus fugit when you're having fun! Or does it?
love
hazel
x
to be honest, im not a big fan of self help books. i mentioned someone the other day who is constantly procrastinating through out his life, rather than dealing with his demons. he spends hours reading self help books of varying degrees and then thinks he is being terribly insightful by repeating the mantras to me and anyone else who will listen. and yet, he doesnt live by the things he says are so important.
I have read some of them in the past, but having had this sort of thing rammed down my throat for the first 21 years of my life by my 'hippy' parents, i have spent most of my life believing that i wasnt good enuf cos mum and dad had always told me i should strive to be a better person. It is like a religion to her which is fine, but like i said the other day, i do think that people should question things otherwise how do we ever really learn....
to be perfectly honest, and i have sat at my computer wondering wether to type this for fear of offending someone - which i sincerely dont want to - but, i think that the bible (other religious writings are available) is the original self help book, which is partly why i question its content in the same way i question chopra, mckenna, maharishi and the like.....
blimey, its another deep one today. interesting tho!
Mornin' all
I've read a couple of self-help books over the years, usually when I've been at a very low point in my life, and the conclusion I've come to is if something feels right, then I do it. I tend to go on gut feeling and trust my instincts and, being a naturally cautious person, I've always given whatever it is an awful lot of thought before actually doing it!
I had counselling a couple of years ago and it felt right to do so because I was determined not to keep making the same 'relationship mistakes' again - it made a huge difference in the way I looked at both myself and any potential partners. I put the theory into practice(se?) and hey presto, six months later I met 'im indoors and so far, so bloody good!!
It's only with regard to employment where I've made decisions that although they felt right at the time, haven't turned out to be the best thing for me. Ever hopeful ...
Hope that makes sense x
jollygit xx
I tend to think that self help books can be useful if you have one issue to concentrate on at a time. Currently I seem to have many issues going on at once and could quite easily get stuck in a mire of self help literature so am steering clear. I am tackling one thing by myself at a time.
Feels a bit like climbing a mountain (meterphorically speaking as I have never been one for rock climbing!)but am getting there slowly.
A lot of you guys mentioned on CE blog yesterday about changing direction with your lives around the age of 40. I did the same thing 9 months before the big 4-0 and am so glad I did otherwise I would be in a much worse situation than I am now.
I am lucky as I have a small friendship circle and they are incredibly supportive and have been so much help to me over the past 3 months when I have needed extra care and attention. In fact, they are probably my self-help literature - interesting, until I started to write I hadn't thought of it like that.
Anyway - enough waffle from me.
Happy Thirsty Thursday to you all!
Amanda x
I’ve never been a fan of self help books. It seems to me the books are usually aimed at “improving” your life in some way, which makes them most appealing when you’re at a low point and therefore at your most vulnerable. Exactly the time when you won’t have the capacity to make changes because of all the other stuff that’s going on and brought you to the low point in the first place. If we all believed everything we read about improving ourselves then we’d all be a complete mess and a permanent state of turmoil (in my opinion).
I’m a great believer in following your instincts and doing what you think is right for you at the time. Always listen to your friends - if they’re good enough friends they’ll usually know you better than you know yourself and they’re nearly always right! It doesn’t always work - I’ve ended up in a cr*p job and worse relationships in the past, but mostly things have turned out fine. If only I’d listened to my friends more I might have avoided the worst bits.
Crumbs that’s all a bit serious for me. You sure know how to make us think Moose!
TTFN
Hope this isn't too long!
I have lived self-help books for 30 years - and they have all belonged to my husband! He must have read a hundred of them and I really don't know if any of them have helped. I believe he's looking for a quick fix, or some magical answer to life and this is just not how I operate.
I do analyse myself a lot (I used to drive myself crazy when I was younger) but I have more or less accepted that I don't think we can change ourselves very much. We are who we are, warts and all. Yes, there are certain aspects of our nature we can "tweak" a little, but I really think that's it. Of course, I have read stuff that I have found really helpful in making me see things more clearly, but I am still me, I can't change me!
As for when Jesus effectively said to the woman "don't beat yourself up for your past mistakes, just move on from this moment" I think that's pretty good advice. Why don't we all cut ourselves some slack?!
Brilliant blog, I'll be thinking about it all day!
C xx
I was worried that I had badly written parts of last night's efforts...I needn't have worried cos you lot make up all the bits I didn't get across very well!!
Thanks...that what makes this blogging lark fun.
Quick fixes...totally agree with ChrissieS...my problem is I always want the quick fix. So how about this for a dilemma:
What about the self help books that specifically tell you there are no quick fixes?
In my mind is Stephen Covey who's big into the natural planting season idea...ie a time to prepare the soil, a time to sow, a time to water, a time to harvest. You can't hurry it up or change the order or leave bits out...it just all goes wrong! He says it's the same with changing your habits and becoming a more effective person...give it time, but DO the right things at the right time, and the harvest will come...
I promised to leave the deep ones for the right days of the week...I've made myself very thirsty, so I must have hit the right day for this one!!! Only issue is, Mrs Moose is out tonight on school governor type business and I'm child-sitting (hence my inability to be at the OAMC).
Although there is some new hope in that general direction...she mentioned a potential babysitter the other day (couldn't have done tonight, but...). Apart from her parents on maybe 2 or 3 occasions, we have not made use of babysitters before. To put that into perspective, Mooselet #1 is 6 next month.
A little humour
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. so... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
Well, I’ll put in my two pennthworth on self help, but don’t get too excited - but it’s not very profound! ( I haven’t been to CE – Moose; you are always my first stop)
Interesting and though provoking, and please carry on starting type of debate, but I don’t really know! I have read 1 book in the past and I went on a course called “the mastery” when in 20’s but apart from that, no self help (apart from losing weight). I suppose at 40 I’m resigned to the fact that I can’t change my personality, and why do I need to? Blimey does that sound arrogant..sorry. My problem is I don’t react to the main question, I react to the aside!! Hence comment below
Moose: Baby sitters – we didn’t use a baby sitter ( apart from Grandparent and sleepovers at friends) until child was 6..the first time was a bit tramatic..lots of crying and worrying from said child, but we got through it..and the baby sitter was a very sensible girls who was an older sibling of a classmate of childs. 2nd time, not so bad ( there was a promise of a small treat if child stayed in bed etc) 3rd time fine..by then she knew we’d be there in the morning… the other tact I used was that she goes to parties and brownies and football etc which were her hobbies and Mum and Dad needed time for their hobbies too.
Happy Thirsty Thursday everyone
Love Caroline x
Moose - in the same boat as you re: babysitters. We have only been out together three times, but getting better at it. We are making a concerted effort to have a monthly night out together this year. It will do us good and our boys will get used to it. Good luck!
LOL - Lyndyloo! Have a good time at your 'do' tonight.
Amanda x
A small request to you all that I hope no-one will have any objection to...
Let's all remember to raise a glass tonight at 7.30pm (or as soon after that as the kids are in bed and quiet).
The toast: Virtual friends - they are never absent, whether they are there or not!
I promise to have a tear in my eye as I take the first sip...sniff.
And Lyndyloo, your special challenge is to get Paul Nixon to join in the toast!
Caroline - I have to confess that I too come here first (does that count as too self-absorbed?)...I think it might be my desire for instant gratification.
And keep your fingers crossed for my 'Fox the Fox'...
Moose - ym ifenrsg aer csroeds fro yruo Xof hte Xof xx
It's no good, I can't type with me fingers crossed - good luck and I'll be listening out!
jollygit x
Water and Wine Education
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water
each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli (E. Coli) Bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine , beer (or other
liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of
boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.
Now I'm off to get me barnet done for this 'ere "do"..
Have a nice day...
Moose
Only a hint of encouragement needed to get me to raise a glass (glad I can completely justify wine now Lyndyloo) at 7.30pm to Virtual friends! It will be a pleasure.
My fingers, eyes and legs are crossed (nothing unusual there then) for fox the fox….. But, she adds with a conspiracy theory type of voice..da da daar! The lovely Rebecca must get the question before, because most of the time, offices are closed and people to speak to are on their way home after 5pm, and she always has an answer ( I am being dur here..have you already said that!) AND, prey tell, did I miss what your fox the fox question was..?!
Love Caroline x
Caroline,
I agree that she must get it beforehand. Although apparently some people do stay in the office beyond 5pm!!
You didn't miss what my question was because I didn't say!
But it is related to a recent blog of mine...keep on running!
Dear Caroline
Ironic really. On Feb 14th, at about 0830am, you may remember (I know I do) a post got through next door from yours truly. It contained this link.
http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/saintv06.htm
Guess the question asked of fox the whoever Philippa or someone?
Was Valentines Day invented by Hallmark or does it have any religious significance?
I'd found the link on t'internet in reply to my own curiosity, so I doubt very much that the Fox would not be able to find at least some sort of answer, to any questions asked of her, using this tool. Cynical I know, but also probably true.
Apropos of nothing, in just under an hour, I have finished the BIGGEST tuna salad in the world. Only from Asda, a bargain-tastic £1.78 and turdally yumster in my tumster dude.
layder babes
love
hazel
x
Lyndyloo, have a wonderful time tonight, hope it goes really well and you get loads of quids. If you were in New Zealand, you could be having loads of squid. Please ensure you advise us of outfit chosen and worn, and any photos have to be made available to those of us who are really nosey.
Moose. There are some things that we may prefer to have left to the imagination.
One, my age, and two, what happens to you when you go in the sea.
love
hazel (age:insert number here)
x
Yes,,yes..I get it..the internet is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't replace actually speaking to someone who knows, does it? some of her replies are definately not only from Internet, she has only got 1 hour to do it! Shes a Fox, not a miracle worker! Anyway, I was getting ready for a valentines dance, and was too squiffy to remember anyway!
Good lunch, but not turdally delicious surely..may be packed with water(see Lyndyloo)!
I like squid, cooked properly they are delicious
Vive La Love!
love Caroline x
It's always really frustrating having to actually work for a couple of hours and miss the chat on this blog!
Moose, Fox the Fox - fingers crossed. If you do get on, I'll have to Listen Again because this is the week I work late and I only hear the last 15 mins of the show. I will join in with the rest of the blog-friends at 7.30 with a glass of something appropriate. Last, my husband and I made the utter HUGE mistake of not using babysitters for our daughter with the result that it ended up just too much of a hassle to go out together, because she would get so upset. It's not too late with your 6 year-old, so I would say definitely get going with that.
Lyndyloo - hope you have a great evening. I have a mountain of ironing to attend to, but don't give me a second thought!
C xx
I have also come up with these tracks which may well be suitable exercise material.
Dogzilla - "Dogzilla"
Camisra & Tall Paul - "Let me show you" (the one on Virgin)
Kings of Tomrrow ft Haze - "Dreams"
You never know, you might like them...
Thank you all for your kind words for tonight! My hair is most impressive. I'll have a few photies taken and put them on my blog. Now have fun y'all I'll be back tomorrow (most probably with a sore head!).
Mange Tout!
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
No no no no no Caroline, nooooooo that wasn't what I meant! Oh the power of the written word! All I meant was that it is possible to come up with some sort of answer in a relatively short time...and I think it is a massive shame that a lot of children these days rely soley on t'interweb for their information. It takes all the fun out of digging around in libraries, or having to interview your Gran'ma about the war!
Can't eat whitebait either. It's as though they're trying to stare you down.
...and re the salad, will have to make sure I dry out the lettuce and carrot fully before I go for the next one!
vive la Cazzer!
I could eat calamari til I burst. s long as they are cooked well...can be so different. Also, really good squid sushi is amazing.
Fastest finger first...put these in ascending order:
A Hung like a Horse
B Hung like a Hamster
C Hung like a Kevin
D Hung like a Moose
If in doubt, look it up on t'Interweb.
My humble opinion, stuff is quicker to look up on Interweb. Foxy usually says something like "According to..." insert name of company. She rarely says she spoke to someone. Well, check out these company websites and the FAQ section. Or Wikipedia. Or just Google some appropriate words.
Come to think of it, whay didn't I just do that to answer my question? Doh!
Probably more accurate than asking human beings too. Especially when they are trying to get out of the office to listen to the show on the way home.
Moose, thank you for your challenge, but I don't think I dare...
Now a Pome what I have just Made Up
The little clouds go scud, scud, scud,
The crocus is in bud, bud, bud,
Will it rain,
Or will it shower,
Or hopefully a little flower.
The weather continues dreary...
Moose - what sort of a question is that? You can't expect anyone to answer ... can you??? My dad was a chippy once and he used to hang doors. Is that the same sort of thing?
Hazel - What a nice pome to round off the day. But what a shame t'weather's dreary in HA. The sun is shining in Bath with just a few fluffy clouds in the sky (admittedly its been p***ing down for most of the day) and its nearly time to go home.
Toodle pip!
What?
It's BACD of course.
Alphabetical.
What were you thinking?
Hazel
I couldn't agree more..I love doing research in libraries and talking to people about things and I'm so glad we've cleared that up, love..do you get called that..Love? In Bristol we say alright my lover! ( which of course is entirely innapropriate if you think about it..all Bristolians would be adulterers, which they are not (well most of them) they are sound (birds or blokes) In Nottingham a girl is a duck, in scotland a girl is a hen
I'll let you all go now
can't wait for 7.30 to raise a glass - but it's fitness yoga tonight, so myabe later!
Love Cazzer ( Viva la Love sounds MUCH better x
I'm a Viva la Diva girl myself (it's a shoe thing - check it on t'interweb!).
le vin rouge c'est ouvre. sorry hazel, thats probably really bad grammer..... anyway, a little early, but i can toast twice!
Wish we were there. cheers
cheers..... again.
xx
Clink...cheers!
cheers lovely vidka lime and lemonade going down a treat
big love to tracet ann x x
blimey, this reds a bit heavy. Chateau Vaugelas, Corbieres. A virgin wine club special.
cathmel, you are right. [[ta]]
Hi Moose and everyone else
It's been a while since I last blogged - did anybody, anywhere, miss me? No - oh well! It's gonna take me a while to read back over the blogs but I'm determined to catch-up.
Hope to be back soon.
EG
good morning (because I missed saying it to you this morning), good afternoon (because I missed that too), and good evening : )..........
...and.....
....cheers to my lovely virtual friends.
A cheeky merlot from tesco - half price - cheap indeed, at half the price : )
oh my, self- help - it was a good job that I was at work today otherwise I would have been blogging all day : )
I too, visit you first Moose. I haven't been to CE today - probably won't ...lack of time.
Nice (yuk word, sorry) (yuk is a yuk word too, sorry for that one too) to hear that Chris is loved up.
Anyway, self help: what I will say is that it shows a kind of 'willingness', a kind of 'positivity', a kind of 'attempt at flexibility?'
I have read more self- help books than I have had hot dinners (or, not far off).
I agree that 'friends' are fab - but sometimes they are not always there when we could do with some advice/support. I have been very used to being on my own (emotionally and physically) for fairly big chunks of my life. I carried on with that sentence initially, but didn't know where it was going so I ended it. I guess I wondered if it was my solitude that had, perhaps, catalysed my delving into the self-help genre, but no, I don't think so really.
It is strange typing at this hour because most of you are doing 'other things' at this time: I seem to miss the 'peak' blogging times : )
Anyway, sorry, back to it: I think I have finished for now, actually. Wine seems to have evaporated so must refill.
A vos santes mes amis
xx
eg (scotland):
Of course we missed you.....don't go away again...please
xx
Gaby,
Mine's evaporated too.
EG - I missed you.
lyndyloo - have a fab evening : )
Moose - oh, thank goodness yours has too - I thought it was the atmospheric conditions over the M4
Gaby
EG - yay, you are back.
Gaby, you are not on your own virtually or in the wine stakes. my bottle has evaporated.
one question.... why am i watching 10 years younger. That's red wine for you.
yesterday, I watched some of The Wright Stuff (on my day off). I ADORE Matthew Wright. I know, I know....I don't EVEN KNOW HIM, but hey...we can dream can't we.
I love his candid nature (not bad for an ex-tabloid journalist).
Anway, what I am getting round to saying is that yesterday he was feeling very 'mischievous' - and that is JUST how I am feeling tonight (so we MUST be made for each other : )).....I feel like doing something really, I don't know, unusual (by my standards anyway)
Sorry, just had to share
Gaby
xx
Anna - thank you : ).....and it HAS been particurly mild recently : )
When I was a regular on CE - I often used to post late at night - that was 'the time' when I could get on the pc/have the laptop...and post to my heart's content.
I used to contemplate whether I 'spoke' more freely and openly when I had these late-night 'chats', because, in essence, it felt like I was talking to myself!! - as no one else was usually around. It used to have a very different 'feel' to when one posts in hte morning and you know that your post is likely to be read by many subsequent posters. Funny that, maybe there was no difference at all to what I typed. It just used to feel though like there were just a couple of lurkers posting when all the other people had gone upstairs to bed : )
Gaby
x
Am really rambling now - I think I had better go and clear up the kitchen...I know, I know....I should have done it straight after dinner. I know, I know, the kids should be doing it : )
surely if the kids did it you would have nothing to complain at them about.
Hey all - thanks for coming back to me - just what I needed.
I'm dotting about the blog a bit trying to catch-up with what's happening - but felt compelled to come back to today's.
Moose - powerful stuff today. The Self Help industry is mega and must make some people a mint. I also question some of it and I say that from experience of having bought a few things - books, cds, kits etc. Maybe we just feel a need for such things at certain times and maybe it's if we think we can't find the answer anywhere else. Or maybe we're trying to make big changes and too soon. Most people are capable of change (but I'm not certain all are and maybe people need to accept that). But I think small steps are what's needed. I also think that what we sometimes need is a friend - just to talk it over with - just to download thoughts (an immediate answer is not always required - just understanding the problem can be important). And by a friend, I also mean virtual friends - blogging friends - if it helps any of us in any way then that's a good thing. You're providing a very important service here Moose.
EG
Am experiencing some weird coincidences today...
Coincidence #1
So just before I leave work, I am writing a scene with the coach..all about listening. I get in the car and the guy is on CE talking about listening and counselling and stuff.
Coincidence #2
While writing a different scene in a jacuzzi, I used the phrase "fit as a butcher's dog". I know you probably think I use it all the time as I have used it more than once on here but I don't. Now, sitting watching Hotel Babylon, first minute the phrase comes up.
Help! My world is getting smaller and smaller.
Were you in the jacuzzi writing the scene or was the scene set in the jacuzzi?
I feel a real need to have this clear in my own mind. And who's that "fit"?
EG
Sorry not to be clear. The scene was in the jacuzzi.
Jeff's American boss is that fit.
Moose - I was just worried that either your computer or your pages would get damp!
Coincidence is a strange thing - there's a blog topic in it's own right. How do we know when something is just coincidence? I'll leave it at that!
EG
PS ....
Have now left you a message (quote) on the CE blog!
EG
anna - good thinking : )
coincidences....I have one. Won't bore you with it.....not now anyway : )
Gaby
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