So how many different worlds can you inhabit all at the same time?
Clearly the answer will be different depending on whether you are male or female, but even for the males among us, I reckon the answer is more than one.
I don't know why, but this question has crystallised in my mind over the last day or so, through a fog of jet-lag, pain and phlegm (apologies but it is the most medically accurate, least offensive and simply the best word ever for it).
I'm inhabiting many different worlds at the moment. I'm back into the real world of my home life, with school runs, assemblies, catering for children and washing (piles and piles of washing - how can one person generate so much washing in only six days away?). Part of my mind is still in the other real world in Boston that I inhabited for most of the last week, with memories pricked by the pain of the blisters.
Then there are fictional worlds. The fictional world of my book is ever present, if somewhat at the back of my mind at the moment. I also have the fictional world of my Bridport Prize short story (just completed and submitted this evening - more than 24 hours before the deadline, I must be getting better at delivering ahead of expectations!) strongly there.
But where I recognise that I'm bumping up against my personal limit is that my head is also full of Will Self's fictional world from The Book of Dave, my Boston reading material. I finished it at the airport in Boston. I tried to start another book I took with me but have been completely unable to do so. The impressions of Self's book are just too strong. The language and the characters were so well developed and so ingrained into my head that they keep impinging on my real world - I keep thinking in the Mokni (Mockney = mock Cockney) that he employs throughout the book, translating my normal conversation into his language.
What this also does though, is instil a very real goal in me. If only one person, on reading MY book, will be transported into my fictional world in anywhere near the same way, I will rate it as a success. Hopefully the last week of research (and yes it did include the local brews - especially Samuel Adams) will help me, in some small way, to create such a compelling and believable world of fiction.
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Random musings of a random Moose
147 comments:
Good to have you back Moose.
Ah. Sam Adams. Necked a drop or two myself while away. Must say though, preferred the San Franciscan Anchor Steam stuff.
We really must get together to exchange tales from the US and compare snaps. I promise to make a concerted effort to attend the next OAMC.
Having a proper 'chuck out the chintz' day today. Mainly to make room for all the new purchases though! Then, I fancy a nice swim/sauna sesh this afternoon as the weather is so crap.
Haze. Are you still on for the Fulham match on the 20th? Hope the move is going OK.
Peace & love to you all
MfR.
Hello All,
Moose, I have a friend who writes fiction for children. He has to stay away from the likes of Harry Potter in case his stories take on similar themes. I guess that's the danger of reading whilst being creative.
Sorry I haven't been around. I hurt my back on Tuesday morning and sitting is agony. I have been really quite fed up, which is why I've stayed away, but reading everyone's comments has made me realise that it's at times like these that actually, I should be reading the blog.
MfR - glad you had a great trip -thought about you and Mrs MfR a number of times while you were away.
Jollygit - so sorry to hear about your friends son - what can you say? Light a candle and pray for strength for them.
Susan S - missing you honey x x x x
Jo (and other bendies), I am also Hypermobile! I make sure I play netball and keep as active as possible, because that seems to manage the arthritis side of things. It's the reason I have sprained my ankles a number of times and dislocated my shoulder a few years ago! I'm hypermobile in just about most of my joints, with the exception of my knees, which is really ironic, as they were the reason I was medically discharged from the Army!
Teenager from Hell is just that.
Special friend is wonderful - he's had a lot on his plate, with his mum being in hospital and everything, but has made sure he has time for me also - lovely guy.
Little man is getting excited about hols. Unfortunately, the prospect of being kept in close proximity to my daughter for two weeks does not appeal at the mo....
"O me miserum..."
Sorry guys - will try to perk up for next week.
Thinking of you all,
S xx.
Moose - great to have you back again and so glad the trip went well, despite the blisters.
Sammie - thank you xx
Moose - I've still only got three chapters of my book written so far. I always seem to want to write in the same vein as the book I've just finished so I spose I'll have to give up reading in order to write. Ah well ...
So, CLP is getting married again, according to the grubbier Sunday papers. He's definitely seemed a lot perkier since his holiday and now we know why!!
Hope everyone's having a good weekend. Hazel and her boy are safely ensconced in their new home and they sound very happy there. I hope they have much happiness in their new abode.
Love to all xxxx
Morning everyone!
Welcome back Moose, sounds like you had a great time on your fact finding mission.
Talking of getting into a world created by a book, I get transported into characters quite a lot, in fact if I can't get into character in a book then I find it difficult to read and often give up. I was totally transported into the worlds created by Phillip Pullman in his dark matters trilogy (and yes I know they were apparrently childrens books). In fact Curly still refers to me as his daemon.
Glad to hear that HL is safely moved in to her latest abode.
Must have missed the conversation about hypermobility but one of my best mates has been told she is and has been told it's probably not a good idea for her to get pregnant, can anyone throw any light on the subject?
Luv
Lyndyloo
& the Bears
-x-x-x-
Hi all
Am having a bit of a down day today...Mr Jo worked Saturday morning and did 4 hours yesterday so I was a bit lonely the weekend (well aside from the 3 dogs, 2 of which we inherited again while the out laws went to see their grandchild).
Then today I am having some real joint pain - I'm attributing it to my pelvis but realistically it could be my back, turning over in bed is starting to get a bit painful as well.
Sammie, I had to have my ligaments in my right ankle screwed back into the bone after suffering a serious sprain at netball. I was out for 8 months but feel a bit more stable now! I have never dislocated anything though (touch wood).
Lyndyloo, the Phillip Pullman books were fabulous, I absolutely adored them. If you like that kind of thing you could try a Garth Nix trilogy, which start with Sabriel, or Trudi Canavan, Magicians or Age of 5 trilogies.... Thoroughly enjoyable. As for the Hypermobility and pregnancy, I have seen a few things around the internet but not really read into them. I think there are a number of complications that can occur but I'm not sure...too late for me (and Sammie I suspect)!
Moose & MfR - it's really good to have you back, here's hoping both of your trips were productive and worthwhile :o)
Here's hoping Hazel is bedded down in her new abode, with a bottle of something not home brewed.
:o) Jo
Did I bring everyone else down with me????
Am more awake now and thus slightly cheerier..... Still craving Gin though! yum Bombay Sapphire, or Plymough Gin, either will do!
Jo- Thanks for the recommendations I'll give them a go. I've been looking for some new authors to try for a while now. As for craving gin... takes all sorts I s'pose. Maybe you could find some juniper flavoured juice to try to stave off the cravings?
'Tis a bit quiet today though innit?
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Good heavens it really is a quiet one today! It's the first time I've been sat behind my laptop for a while so I'm a bit dissapointed
:(
I spy with my little eye something beginning with..........C
Cup of Tea???
It wasn't but that's a jooly good idea... got any biccies?
that should have been jolly not jooly btw
No biccy's here unfortunately - although I could eat some....I made Rocky Road at the weekend in a fit of domesticity but unfortunately forgot to bring it to work, that woul dgo down a treat right about now!
Hi all, a wet and soggy camper here. We came back early cos as much as i love St Ives, the wind and rain rather takes the edge off things, and the mancub has started to really push the boundaries. I have been supernannying right left and centre this last week!
Anyway, more importantly a quick response to the blog.
HL – good luck in the your new home
Sammie – well done, you deserve a medal. Brilliantly handled.
Jo – enjoy every one of these, roll on OCtober when you can meet your little one!
DD – I hope you are ok. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
Susan s - keep the faith. Love yourself. xx
Missed you all, happy to be home.
xx
Hey all,
V. quiet on here today. Thanks for the positive vibes everyone.
Just a quick update, Mrs Dissing dropped a bombshell from her past last week, we are currently trying to work through it, I'm still unsure which way to go, call it quits or stick in there. In short it comes down to can I forgive and forget?
Hope the move went well Hazel!
We stayed at Furnace Creek some 4 years ago. Did you play a round of golf?
Love Las Vegas.
DD out
PS It aint what you do, it's the way that you do it?
PPS Piddling down in South Bucks.
Anna - welcome back, and sorry you had such a blustery time!
Tis awful quiet here ... I've been in meetings all morning, now I've got to type up all my notes. Deep breaths ...
Lyndyloo - I spy with my little eye, something beginning with ....... WB
jollygit x
DD - I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time of it at the moment. I personally found that forgiving was relatively easy ... everyone's entitled to one mistake and all that - but it was the forgetting that I had problems with. I wish there was something helpful I could do or say but I can send a big hug and hope that you can come to a decision that's right for you{{{{{HUG}}}}}}
jollygit xx
DD - Only you know what the answer is - if you forgive can you really forget? It may be that you try but find that you can't and then a small resentment between you grows and grows.
Perhaps asking yourself why Mrs DD dropped a clanger last week after presumably some time would help with your mind set at the moment.
Also, if you were to call it quits would you be able to move on or would the bombshell still be lodged in your heart somewhere?
No answers are helpful my friend unless they come from within. You are allowed to change your mind after you've made the decision though (but probably only once)
Anna - sorry your holiday was cut short - am due to go to Frnace next week and am phoning constantly for updates on how the pool build is progressing. It's pants weather there too apparantly. I hope that in your Supernannying moments you actually said 'that behaviour is unasseptable!'
Jollygit - Out of my window I can see West Bromwich - well parts of it - well our car park, which is in West Bromwich...Am I right???
:o) Jo
Jo, I know the reason I was told! It was because the wife of the other party was on her way to drop the bomb herself! I know I have to make the call for myself, and that is the quandary at the moment. Trouble is I wasn't in a particularly good place myself when the incident(s) occurred, so wasn't giving full attention where it should have been.
Head says one thing, heart says another!
DD out
Jo - sorry, but the answer was wedding bells, as in CLP and his news over the weekend. Well, that's if you can believe what you read in the rags!!!
That was a really bad I-Spy, sorry!!
jollygit xx
DD - give it some time (not the easiest thing to say) I'm sure your heart and head will sort things out between themselves. Don't blame yourself either, or at least don't blame yourself totally...
(((Hugs)))
:o) Jo
Damn, and I thought the answer was Wet Bears!
DD out
DD- Go with your gut instinct and don't look back.
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
ps. who told you about the wet bears?
DD - you will make the right decision for you, in the end Im sure of it. Interesting you noted that you werent in a good place yourself at the time. Me and him in doors said that if we hadnt gone to counselling when we had, it would be no suprise if one of us hadnt gone elsewhere. Its no excuse, and it would be hard to forget but is the world a better place together or apart?! Take your time on this one.
xx
DD - you have some difficult times ahead. Listen to your heart and your head - and you'll strike the balance. Think about what was good and ask yourself if it possible to have something like that again. Thoughts are with you.
EG
Hi Everyone
Just back from a great weekend break with my sister.
Jollygit - Hope your friends are bearing up okay.
Chrissie S - Have a great holiday. What a lovely boss - great surprise getting the bonus and a nice lunch! Great start to your holiday, and very well deserved!
Lyndyloo - Thank your for the beautiful words xx Love to you and the bears xx
Jo - Sorry to hear your having some discomfort and trouble sleeping, hope it gets better soon. Love and hugs to the bump.
Hazel - hope all went well with the move and you are settled in your new abode. I wish you and the boy lots of love, luck and happiness in your new home xx
Sorry I missed the party on Friday - sounds like you all had a fab time :o)
Amanda - Thanks for the joke :o)
Moose - welcome back - hope you good what you needed from the trip. Good luck with your bridport prize xx
Sammie - How are you doing my dear? Hope youve recovered from your recent incident. Your special friend sounds lovely, I'm glad you have him to turn to and help you through the very trying times you are having at the moment! Take care my friend xx
Dissing Dave - I was sad to hear your news. Wish I could give you the answer. I agree with what our other bloggers have said, forgiving is possible but I'm not so sure about forgetting! Don't be too hard on yourself, not being a particularly good place yourself doesn't justify the actions of Mrs DD - apologies if I'm speaking out of turn. Whatever your decision, we are all here for you when you need us. Take care xx
Susan S - Sending you lots of love, huggles and sunshine xx
Anna - welcome back, sorry to hear your holiday was cut short xx
Keith - Hope your doing okay {{{hugs}}} xx
Catherine - hope you are enjoying your time off!
Lots of love
Mary xx
Wow, it's been sooooo quiet...
Back at the helm today - share price has dropped 10% since I've been off (obviously 'cos I'm not there), so have dragged myself back to it. Only problem is that little man has a very bad headache and is currently snoring his little head off upstairs, so I won't be going into the orifice today, will I?
DD - honey - these things are so difficult. No-one can tell you what decision to make, just be comforted by the knowledge that whatever you decide, we'll all be here for you. Incidentally, why is it that factual based decisions are so easy, whilst emotional ones are almost impossible? The only advice I can give (based on my experience) is that you have to make a decision and STICK to it - whatever that decision may be. {{{hugs}}} and x x x for you.
Jo - are you feeling any brighter today babe? The weather and events of recent days have certainly put a dampener on things, haven't they?
I'll drop by later good people,
S xx.
Morning all,
I am feeling a little brighter today which is a good thing :o)
It could have just been a Monday thing but who knows. i hope everyone else is cheery today too.
Only 9 more sleeps till we go on holiday :o) woo hoo!!
:o) Jo
Thanks all for your kind and inciteful words. My heart appears to be winning at the moment, at the end of the day, she is and remains the best thing that ever happened to me. However, at the mo, I am torn between was me being in a bad place at work (and on the way to a breakdown), the reason behind the affair, or does it make it more inexcusable because she should have been there for me. That is the dilemma that I need to resolve for myself, but once again thanks for the support.
Love and Hugs to you all.
DD out
PS Lyndyloo, 'twas just an assumption as the I spy was directed specifically at you!
AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Oooh I forgot to say yesterday that my HR lady confirmed (verbally thoug) that I would qualify for full maternity benefits..... Yay for me, 11K pre tax is going to prove very helpful (obviously not in one lump sum) over the 9 month I have orf!
:o) Jo
Morning Shmornin!
DD- You sure you don't have a cctv camera somewhere near my house, bears are currently lying out in the rain refusing to come in after getting me up at 2.30am this morning both very poorly. Had to spend an hour cleaning up then spent rest of night on the sofa with one bear in her basket next to me and the other one lying on my chest. Needless to say I am not at my best today.
Now have to do some domestic chores, shopping, paying bills, recycling... seems a lot of hard work today.
Luv
Lyndyloo
& the WB's
-x-x-x-
Sammie, Problem?
Dd out
Sammie - did you call?!!!
jollygit x
Hi all,
back in my rainy office in Cambridgeshire...another world!
DD - My humble opinion on the matter is that forgiving and forgetting are not two different things. True forgiveness involves forgetting. At least it means not holding the offence against the offender, not allowing it to colour future decisions etc. And true forgiveness is hard.
However, and here's the rub...we all have things that we need to forgive AND things we need to be forgiven. My understanding of the marriage vows is that they represent an ideal that we should always strive for, but that love overrides pretty much everything else, and forgiveness is one of the ultimate expressions of love. If you really love her (and it sounds like you do from here) you can really forgive her.
No marriage ever runs perfectly. If anyone ever tells you they have the perfect marriage then don't believe a word they say.
The successful ones are defined by how the couple deal with the hard times (the "worse" bit rather than the "better" bit). It's a bit like life really, the defining moments are those of hardship and overcoming it...
Hang on in there.
Moose
Breaking news from B&HA: HL, badger and the two cats are settling in well, except for one cat who's got stage fright about using the litter tray. There have been no accidents as yet, but he's still hiding under the bed, so who knows!!! Anyway, she sends her love to y'all xx
Moose - welcome back x
jollygit x
Afternoon everyone....
The day hasn't improved - two power cuts have prevented me from working and also - gasp! - reading this blog.
Boss is on the phone every five minutes asking questions that even a psychic (or a sidekick...) couldn't answer. "GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE AND LET ME GET ON WITH MY WORK!"
Thanks,
S xx.
Btw Moose - fully agree with what you have to say about relationships. The hard thing though is when you are repeatedly asked to forgive and forget, turn the other cheek almost. That's when things get REALLY hard.
S xx.
P.S. Update on special friends mum - she's having an op on her ankle today and will be in plaster for 3 months! She's worried about her dog (who is currently living the life of Riley in Kennels), as the kennel fees are going to be terrible. Any ideas if the CDL or RSPCA can help out with 'foster-parents' for times like these?
Oops, just ranted on the other side without really meaning to.
Bet that one doesn't get through!
S xx.
P.S. Lily says "Hi" ,m ddfmc sdxyvb
moose - you are a very wise moose, words to DD which i hope you wont mind me taking note of too.
DD - she probably should have been there for you, but maybe she just wasnt able to. Not everyone is very good at being supportive to those they really should be supporting - however much they wish they could be. No doubt she was learning lessons too.
Jo - good news on the Mat pay. You can now look forward to your full entitlement off with only you and your little one (oh and musnt forget the daddy!) to think about! its sooooo exciting!
Lyndyloo - hope the bears pick up soon. The poor lambs. Am sending them hugs.
Had a day to ourselves today after our early return from a very lovely holiday. Felt a bit guilty putting the mancub in to 'school' when we were at home, but it was lovely to spend time with my husband, read my book, have a nice lunch, potter around and generally enjoy one anothers company.He's not such a bad sort. Think we will do the same tomorrow! How easy it is to forget about the we time, as much as the me time.
xx
Moose - your comments of earlier today were very thought provoking. I know that they were there for DD but I think we can probably all take something from them. Certainly made me stop and think.
EG
Moose - wise words indeed.
Anna - I like to think I would be supportive of anyone, but the same can't be said when 'im indoors is unwell. I get impatient and for me it's to do with being afraid that he won't get well and that I might lose him so I get a bit panicky. Does that make sense to anyone else?
jollygit xx
Hi All,
First time blogger but I have read this blog since it first began. I don't usually comment but I do have a thought for DD.
You say you are torn because "she should have been there for me". Surely the fact that you had absolutely no idea what was happening means that it did not have a negative impact on her support for you at the time? Indeed (and I know there may be howls of outrage at this possibly twisted approach) it may be that having the release elsewhere meant she was much more able to understand and support you at the time.
A very wise victim support lady once asked me to imagine myself as a sponge that soaked up all the worries and stresses from those around me. She then asked what happens when that sponge becomes saturated? We all need somewhere we can wring ourselves out to make room for the new.
Maybe what you need to seek is not forgiveness or forgetfulness (although I do agree with Moose that they are interlinked) but acceptance.
Now you know why I don't usually comment!
Good luck.
Sammie- It may be helpful to talk to the PDSA and see if they can help with the doggy issue. They certainly help with people that can't afford with vets bills.
Luv
Lyndyloo
& far healthier bears (thanks for loving them too)
-x-x-x-
Some freaky coincidences for today.
I'm sitting here re-writing my first Boston chapter with my new found research findings. SW plays the Cheers music and Carla is a guest this afternoon. I log on to Wikipedia for a couple of facts...Samuel Adams is the featured article today. Although it is the 4th of July so I guess that last one isn't quite so unexpected.
One more and I'm going to really freak out.
There it is...SW has just played Boston - More than a feeling.
I think I need to go home and lie down in a dark room...
OOh Moose how spooky! I quite like days when coincidences happen I think it's a sign that everything is as it should be.
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Oh my gosh - where has everyone been today. I log in tonight expecting it to take me ages to catch-up. It can't be holiday time can it?
EG
Good morning peeps!
It really has been all quiet on the Moose blog front of late. I think we must all be catching up on the work that we put to one side (what with the weather and all) so that we can make way for a new wave of happy smiley blogging the minute the sun comes out again. In fact in my part of the country right now the sun is poking through the clouds for a change.
I have been given the job of developing our new look web site (hooray shout the voices from the back!) and also creating the promotional materials that we are going to use when we sponsor the British Par 3 Championship in August. This means I should (in theory at least) be doing less running round the country for a few weeks. This will inevitably lead to more blogging .
I hope that you'll join me.
Right it's time to Bear walk...
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Hi All
It's a bit like the oakey cokey here over the past couple of days - will endeavour to be 'in' for some of today and pop back later. In the meantime, meetings call.
:o) Jo
PS Have had it confirmend that my contract will end after Maternity leave.. A strange sense of relief washed over me when they said. It does mean that I won't have to repay any of my maternity benefits though......
Jo - well done on getting all the money that you're entitled to, and not having to pay anything back!!! It's good to get it all settled now, and hopefully you'll be able to enjoy your maternity leave all the more xx
I've got two meetings to minute -one at 10.30 and another between 1.30 and 4pm so I can't see me getting on here again today, although I'll try!
HL - hope you're OK today xx
jollygit xx
Sorry have not been participating - was off sick from work for nearly 3 weeks and so am catching up instead of blogging - how rude of me!!!! Normal service may well be resumed once my half year end is done and dusted!
Am sorry to hear those of you that are having difficult times and my thoughts are with you (the poorly but now betterer Bears included).
Glad Hazel's move went ok and hope the cat comes out from under the bed soon!
I will leave you with this amusing story:
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Amanda x
jollygit - i do understand what you are saying totally. Im afraid i am not very good at being there for im indoors cos i take him for granted, often without realising it. One of the reasons we had the counselling. Sometimes the world of me leaves little room for others, i am very capable of supporting those who take nothing from me emotinally speaking, but those who really need me - i panic...or worse and dont even realise it.
anonymous - you should comment more often. x
lyndyloo -that is very exciting, i am quite sad cos stuff like is massivley interesting to me! Have fun with it!
xx
Golly golly golly I turn my back for FIVE seconds and it all goes off! S'all bin goin on ain'tit billy...
Hyberbendy people all over the shop, wet bears, full maternity leave (YAY!) etc etc etc Grayshus me indeed!
I hope all surmountable problems are being/have been surmounted!
Meenim are both happily ensconced, although the unpacking is gonna take a wee while yet. I hit the 'Ultra Ruthless' button yesterday and chucked art loads of clothes, which will need to be delivered to second hand shops in the vnf before I go through them and start hoicking bits out again!
DD, I found out some stuff after he'd left me, but that didn't make it any easier. My thoughts are with you, and if you are happy now, stay happy my darling. If you were both in 'bad places' at the time, sometimes you just need something to shake you up so that you can get rid of any negativity. It's easy from the outside, but not while you are there, and I hope that you are able to sort yourselves out very very soon...
Anyhoo, I have piles, so I'd better get on.
Thank you for all your good wishes, and
love
hazel
x
ps MfR - yes - email me next week then.
Hello everyone! Surprised that I didn't have more to catch up on.
Saints preserve us! My cats have gone completely bananas! They are chasing each other round the house like absolute loons, using me to hide behind! Lily has a very naughty habit of using the furntiture (and me!) to bounce off as she completes her circuits, while fat Pickle just tears round and round and round and.... gosh I'm dizzy now!
There was some lovely sunshine here yesterday morning, but what an awful end to the day! Those in the know reckon the weather will pick up from the 15th - just as I'm on holiday (flights permitting).
OK - brekkie over - time to get on with some work, so I'll drop in later,
S xx.
P.S. HL - glad you survived the move - has your cat come out from under the bed yet?
...and just when you've finished checking your emails...your so-called friend sends you this.
Apparently they will make you groan...
Big 'un, I am dedicating this post to you...
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club for some information today, but this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baa" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Somewhere, Tommy Cooper is spinning...
love
hazel
x
Hi babies, just to put your minds at rest, Colin is still spending quite a bit of time under the bed. He is coming out occasionally for cuddles and food, and I think it was probably him who turned the litter tray upside down this morning...Morticia, of whom the boy thought would be fey and all worried, is alternating between a box full of screwed up newspaper or the back of the armchair by the window...the boy, in the meantime, is on his way to meet his bestest buddies for a weekend badger to Wales...
Anyhoo, I'm about to do the unthinkable and turn this blog off...and akshully do some work...
Now.
It's going off now.
Now this minute.
Right now.
Chow
love
hazel
x
ps Moose, two pairs of socks when walking - no blisters - I hope your hooves are healing...good to have you home m'deer x
Well that's just bloody typical!
As the kids are with my ex this weekend and special friend is away on a golfing jolly, I decided I would work (yeah - I know - dull or what?) this weekend. Only I have JUST received an e-mail notification that the server I work on will be unavailable from 6pm tonight until 7am Monday morning!
Just can't win sometimes...
S xx.
Having not had a Friday Pome for sometime, I thought, maybe instead, a Friday Fort...coz sunnink just struck me...
Is Hyperbole like the Milton Keynes Bole, except it is full of bendy people?
An Oad to the Pliable...
I reached to grasp and tie a lace
Instead I drew upon my face
I turned to the mirror my bum to see
But whizzed around to look at me
I started once to brush my hair
But I can't when my arm's over there
It's all very well being able to squeeze
Through spaces only enough for knees
But how I wish that when I sit
My chair remains where I think I put
it
FIN
Sammie, you have been blessed with time to do something 'Sammie', you go girlie girl!
Well good afternoon one and all,
Firstly apologies for not posting so much lately too much going on in my life to concentrate on too much I am afraid. Work as always leads the way when taking up my time. I have been a regular lurker though so I know much of what has been going on.
So why today I hear you cry! Well Ms Love only goes and dedicates some jokes (can I start a campaign to get Tommy Cooper knighted, posthumously?) to me (as only she could you understand) and brings a big lump to my throat and tear to my eye. Not necessarily the quality of the jokes more the timing. I will not go into details of why right now as my intention is simply to say thanks! Xx
Keith the BigUn
xx
P.S. just coz I can…
Following a night out with a few friends, Hazel brought them back to show off her new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" Hazel replied.
"How does it work?"
I'll show you", Hazel said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f***s sake you tw**, it's twenty to two in the f***ing morning!!"
Keith - lol! Loved that one, hope all is ok.
HL - nice to see you are back and everything is panning out ok from the move.
Hurrah - my work is up to date, my littlest man is 5 today and I am skiving off early to get some goodies for his birthday tea! He wouldn't open his pressies this morning as his daddy was at work and he didnt want him to miss out - aaaah! So we are going to watch him open them tonight! Then on Sunday he is having his party with 14 of his friends so that should be a low-key, quiet occasion ...... not!
Wishing all of you a fab weekend - hope the sun shines as I am developing web feet here in the North West and we need to get to the park tomorrow to try some of my littlest man's new toys out!
See you next week!
A x
amanda, you do realise that EVERY time your little man does something even REMOTELY selfish for ever in the future, you will remind him of his fifth birthday when he said he'd wait for Daddy to come home.
You do realise it. I know you do.
Have a lovely birthday party, and if you're playing pass the parcel or musical chairs, try not to scratch the record when you keep putting the needle back down...
I'm eating a double-decker. It is approximately the size of two football pitches.
Mmmmmmm YUM.
By the way, it is a common myth that all children like liquorice. This one doesn't. Not one bit. Apart from tasting turtley VILE, it tends to give one the s*i*s.
Oh the Naughty Corner
My how I've missed it
love
hazel
x
Nipple
Can't quite believe it's Friday all over again. Not sure what's happening with time this week.
Have re-written about 3,000 words today - twice over. Technology is great except when it bites you in the bum.
My ample chest is still full of stuff it shouldn't be full of...many pharmaceutical products have helped a little.
Hazel - Glad the move went well.
Keith - welcome back, miss your jokes when you're not around.
Other returners/lurkers - welcome back too.
How does Tuesday 17th July sound for the next meet in London? Anyone up for it?
Aim gaying hame nye.
A tout a l'heure
hope y'all have super fabby weekends, and I'll see you at 13.27 tomorrow JG, under the clock at Waterloo.
Bring the Rachmaninnov(sp?)
love
hazel
z
Hello...hello...hello...helloooooo.
Echoey in here, innit?
Is there anybody out there?
I disappear for a few days and get back to find that everybody is hiding!
Once again Moose, I have taken some inspiration from you and put pen back to paper (or fingers to keyboard) to try and get my story back on track. Today was such a flat day at work. I had a stinking headache and there was barely a soul around, so I parked the spreadsheets to one side and slipped the flash drive into the laptop. I feel that I really made some progress too!
Anyway. Just had a quick game of tennis in between showers and I now fancy some corn on the cob.
Hope you are all well and happy.
MfR
evening
how you doing? Has the weather sent us all a retreating? Have just cooked lamb shank - the gravy was perfect but there was no lamb on the shank. Bloody supermarket meat.
The wine is good tho.
Jo - I too have found facebook. Oh dear.
xx
Hello there
I'm suprised at the quietness (if that's a word). Nice to know you're still keeping fit Matt, if you could do a bit for me that would be great. And getting back to writing.... well after trying to write the copy for some brochures I'm all written off!
Hope everyone's ok. I'll look in again soon.
Luv
Lyndyloo
& the Bears
-x-x-x-
It is FAR too quiet akshully...like tha Marie Celeste...just a steaming cup of coffee and a bit of antler velvet blowing across the galley...
The calm before the storm.
Now, shush, I'm trying to choose a library book...
Reddit
love
hazel
x
ps Rudgwick was on the telly last night, but by the time I'd negotiated the narrow hall, the ironing board and a cat litter tray, I'd missed most of the article. Apparently some baseball thingamajig?
Rudgwick, a pleasant little village on the borders of Surrey and Sussex...allegedly...
pps Matt, are you ever going to email me? Ever?
Ooo-er. I thought the blog was broken yesterday. Checked in a couple of times but there was no-one home. Didn't have time to comment as I was supposed to be making up time after my trip to the vet. She says if I keep up the pills for a week and pick the scabs off regularly it'll heal up in no time.
I've found the perfect way to take exercise without making too much effort. Get a job on the 8th floor and spurn the use of a lift. I manage to walk up and down about 15-20 flights of stairs a day at the moment! Toned legs? They soon will be!
Back later
Hazel how lovely to hear from you even if it is in a whisper...
Anna- walking up and downstairs is the way to a healthy beautiful body.. I had to do so for 3 months while I was looking after one of my pub-guest houses (when I still had some) and I lost 3 stone in 3 months!!
Aaah Lyndyloo,
Talking of walking up and down stairs, were you following my travels around Twickenham on Sunday afternoon at the Genesis concert!
Our tickets were for the second tier, so up we strolled, stopping for refreshment and to take on liquid whilst setting up base camp alpha. We then got to our seats to discover that we would not actually be able to "see Genesis" as the location was totarry clap, i.e. high above and physically slightly behind the stage, the stage was covered with a perspex screen and metal stantions therefore we couldn't even see the Tony Banks keyboard set up let alone PC's drum kit. We went to complain, arguments all prepared about breach of contract, not being able to see the band, blah blah, blah! Woman at the enquiries office immediately offers us alternative seating on the other side of the stadium second tier on about the half way line. We accept and start the trek up the West face of RFU HQ. Had a great time, Genesis were on top form and Phil was his normal self deprecating humourous self. A good day out apart from the London Transport network which just cannot cope with a large surge of people at the end of a concert. How on earth are we going to cope with Olympic size crowds, when we cant cope with 55000 people leaving a concert at once?
DD out
DD- I have had similar problems at Twickers, not that I couldn't see the rugby but the Champagne bar was not on our level and in order to get to it I had to go down 3 flights of stairs then across 3 sections then up one flight. Much fun was had though I missed a bit of the rugby in the meantime.
I would have loved to have gone to see Genesis but didn't manage it. I do however have several dates and allocations of tickets to see the Police later this year and am currently debating whether I should sell some of them and just do the concert nearest to me in Birmingham or go the whole hog and do Twickers, Birmingham and Cardiff... Any ideas?
Answers on a post card to
Lyndyloo
& the Bears
-x-x-x-
It's alright everybody - I'm here!
Well I was thoroughly poked and prodded yesterday at the hospital an dafter 2 blood takings and 1 injection my BP was back down a bit (120 / 70) and I was sent on my merry way :o)
Baby is measuring big though and is well above the average but I think (well hope) that it's all water! It will be like the Little Britain incontinent lady when they go I'm sure!
Seems like yesterday was abit quiet, but I suppose it was a Monday and we all have at least 'some' work to do??
Off to France on Thursday night - slight change of plan in that I think we'll go camping now which I am ridiculously excited about...If Mr Jo's car comes back fromm the Scooby garage after having it's 3rd new clutch in 3 years (it was supposed to be done yesterday but now they think it'll be Wednesday!).
Anna - Beware the perils of Facebook.....once in, never to return!!
Hope everyone is well and that Colin has started to acclimatise to his new surroundings..
:o) Jo
Colin is, probably even as we speak dahling, scratching on the window and swearing. Morticia is just chillin man dude...The badger on the other hand, has just returned from camping (and now we live in Kemptown...oh, the possibilities are endless) with sunburnt arms. Now, with someone that goes brown walking past an open window, this is not a desirable condition.
Unlike yours Jo.
Nice link.
Poked and prodded eh...that takes me back...not to being pregnant...just to being poked and prodded...anyhoo, glad all is well, but wouldn't it be BRILLIANT if t'babeh was born EARLY even though your midwife has given you your date, and you still get all your leave. Am standing by with bucket and hot towels by the way.
Lyndyloo...sell 'em. Sting can't hit the high notes anymore (not that he could very well when I saw them about 100 years ago) and unless you are right in the 'where you can see'seats...well...see DD...
Re the Rugby/Beverage Problem, I have an idea. Next time you go to Twickers...I can be your Champagne Runner...I would not mind missing said Foot Ball Match...job, as they say, done.
You have been
love
hazel
x
DD - lucky to get arttatall by the sarnd of it...
Okay everybody, drag out those stylophones and join in with Telstar!
Have just put this next door, but spec will get bp'd so, as you all know my opinion of the nasty little tyke...
"Blimey guv'na, it has just come to me...
Mika's new single (all about big girls being beautiful too...I think we should all bow down whether 'big' or 'small' to his startling and not at all patronising or un-PC observation) is really (in my opinion) '9-5' by Dolly Parton
Gowarn, sing it to yourselves...you know you can't resist it. In the meantime, my radio is turned down for about 3mins...
Odd how you couldn't say that to a female of a larger persuasion without being sued (these days...or punched in the face come to that) but some boy (girl? - still not entirely sure) can sing about it on the radio.
And they said Einstein was mad
love
hazel
x"
...be nice to see it published, but I doubt it...
...and blimey, it's on there!
Hazel, my dear.
During my yo-yo times over the past few months I have, alas, lost many email addresses, including yours.
However. I am, weather permitting of course, heading to the Withdean next Friday for the Fulham/Brighton pre-season shin dig, if you can make it.
If not, I believe the Moose-meister was floating the idea of a OIABMC next week? Is that still happening?
Drop me a mail if you have my address and I will bat you back some piccies from The Road Trip.
Much love
MfR
PS What was Rudgwick on, telly-wise?
morning all - not much to say today but just had a thought as i drove past center parcs last night. DD - did you get to the Dog & Duck in the end?
hope you are all well.
xx
Helloo everybody ... apologies for absence so far this week due to having to be in meetings for two whole days zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Had spiffing weekend spent with a well-behaved house guest. Got a bit sunboint but when the sun's only out for two days a year you've gotta do it!!!
Glad everyone is OK.
jollygit xx
Morning everyone!
Hope you're all as spiffing as Jollygit! I'm once again sitting in my little office at home organising stuff. I need to sort out some golf umbrellas for this British Par 3 Championship we're sponsoring. Anyone know any companies that I could try? Anyone want to come along?
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
www.brandedumbrellas.co.uk
try these - i havent used them but a company i used to work for did.
Spiffing and well behaved.
And I tried SO hard to be horrible.
Must brush up on the sending pictures crashing to the ground and the Woohahaha larf I feel.
Smut in yer eye
love
hazel
x
I am a very lucky girl.
I have, this morning, not only been praised for being well behaved (I have awarded myself a house point) I have also found out that my mum has booked the most FABULOUS hotel for us to go on hols. FABULOUS I tell you.
26th Sept if you're asking, for a week, and only TEN weeks today, to go HOORAH.
I have not yet informed the boy as he has badgered me this morning to let me know that he is probably going to be working away for at least the next two, if not three weeks...I'll tell him later...or possibly the day before we're due to fly...
I can feel a Badger Mist coming on
love
hazel
x
Rhodes.
Anna, unfortunately we failed to make the D&D, although up until our last day in residence we were intending to call in for lunch before heading back south to civilisation. And then it rained!!! Has it stopped yet?
DD out
Thanks Anna will give them a try.
Is it another bleak day outside? I'm thinking of going and getting my car washed, also need to get picture framed, take dry cleaning in and buy food for tea... and all I want to do is go back to bed!
luv
lyndyloo
-z-z-z-z-
This is fairly rude. Apparently relatively accurate. According to the gentlemen with whom I work.
You have been warned.
In fact actually quite rude indeed.
This is your second warning and your last chance to look away.
Right. Here we go then. For the benefit of those who are still curious, I've changed a few words, but still...
...breathe in, and...
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Bl*w job
6:30 Massive, satisfying sh1t while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her bits
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (bl*w job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Bl*w job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their bits
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and h@nd job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over showing her bits, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap bl*w job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
It reminds me a bit of the Cat/Dog lists - anna were they yours?
love
hazel
x
Dissing Dave. There is every likelihood that I will be akshully be meeting THE Matt from Rudgwick next Friday, after the Gulls (are they a Foot Ball team? I'm thinking they may be as I'm pretty sure that MfR is coming to see Fulham, and they are (to all intents and porpoises allegedly) are a Foot Ball team) so if you are around..?
l
h
x
In disgrace by now I expect. In the corner of the Naughty Corner's Naughty Corner.
Hello :o)
I posted next door but it appears I have been BP'd...Thought I'd let everyone know that it's only 50 days to my maternity leave, of which 14 are weekend days, 1 is a bank holiday and 11 (excluding weekends) are in France :o)
Woo and hoo at the same time.
Am in a good mood today as my pod was in the same mood as me this morning and out of 3,500 songs it played some of my favourite ones that perfectly suited my mood. Started off with some classic 90's guitar band stuff with Suede, Spin Doctors, Pulp & Blur, followed up with some heavier Papa Roach (Last Resort) and then some calmer Debbie Harry (Sunday Girl) what a way to start the day. When you add U2 vertigo into the mix as well as such sing a long favourites as Tracey Chapman - Fast Car and some Steroephonics you have the ingredients for a very cheery Jo :o)
Hazel - once you're pregnant all the man in your life hopes for is a day without tears or violent mood swings, having to do all the claning and cooking and a decent nights sleep! Also, Seeing as you're going to be on holiday do you think I should book a new birth partner?????
:o) Jo
PS How will you know if it's the REAL (The) Matt from Rudgwick / Hazel of the Love??? Is there going to be some red carnation and Financial Times Action? Photies please!
PPS - Anna, am Jo Aldridge on Facebook, feel free to poke me in a completely non lesbeen way!
Jo, I shall be wearing my cat mask, and he (hopefully) will be wearing a fireman's uniform. But that will only be if he asks the fireman nicely...else it will be Matt, in the Pub, with the Menu.
Re: Birth Partner. If you do go the full 50 days, then I'd still be here as I make it approximately 77 days until me and Mater depart these fair shores. I am standing by with a fishing net as we speak. You are still going for the pool aren't you?
Eight ball in the side pocket
love
hazel
x
50 days until I'm out of this godforesaken workplace - approximately 84 days until the impending birth......
The way the measurements go I'd prepare a small fishing vessel!
:o) Jo
HL - Love the Perfect Day lists - naughty but incredibly funny!
Jo - have a fab holiday, glad your pay issues are resolved and you can go on holiday without that hanging like a cloud over you.
Only 3 1/2 weeks 'til we are off to Dorset for our hols - it can't come too soon. Is the weather darn sarf any better now? It is pretty 'orrible here still, so we are hoping for at least a dry fortnight even if the sun doesn't shine!
We had a great bithday weekend for our littlest man - then on Monday evening he went to Boys Brigade for the first time - he has only waited for 2 years, bless him. He had a wonderful time and his big brother (our middle man) even managed to behave to set a good example as well. So smiles and sweeties all round! Hubby and I couldn't believe our luck - we get a whole hour to ourselves now on Monday evenings - so to celebrate we went to Toys 'r' Us (other toyshops available) 'cos littlest man has a party to go to tonight and we forgot to get a pressie for the birthday boy at the weekend!!! I wonder what joys we will sample in our hour off next Monday!
Hope you enjoy my little jokey offering!:
Four friends, who hadn't seen each otherin 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer.Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot
mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends"
A x
By the way, everybubble! In between turning offenon all day, I have COMPLETELY forgotten to let you all know that Sammie says hallo to everyone.
I knew there was something.
Thank you for your time.
Blimey, Jo. I will be cutting it fine in that case. Best fly back into EMA then I guess. Will check with Mother that this is ok as she pretends not to be able to understand regional accents.
Kipper tie anyone?
Curricle or a Gin Palace...
Tough choice. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Na, s'gotta be something with a bilge pump I spec.
Gin Palace then. Shame you're so far from the sea. I'm also thinking of building a small Arbor.
Amanda - forwarded to suitable recipients...
Yummy Gin!
Hazel - love the Perfect Day lists. Will you ever get out of the naughty corner??? Does the water cooler need refilling yet?
All this talk of holidays has prompted me to count - its just 58 days till mine. Woo hoo ...
Hope you're all well and no-one's contracted trench foot yet. The sun is shining in Bath and there are just a few fluffy white clouds in the sky. If only I wasn't stuck in here ...
have been poking on and off all day. doesnt hald take it out of you. Anyway, non-lesbeen poke poked.
(incidentally, you talk of vessels, how many pieces of loo roll are you now exactley!)
DD - the rain has subsided briefly, just long enough for me to dig out my kayak... oh no, there it goes again.
xx
Anna - will measure tonight and update tomorrow.....
Too many probably!
amanda, still trying to think of things to do in an hour on a Monday evening.
1, Watch something with adverts that you have taped - this will only be 40mins actual programme.
2, Soft-boil thirty eggs.
3, Choose next years holiday without the children interrupting.
4, Try on some of last summers clothes, a, to see if they still fit, and b, well, to chuck 'em out if they don't.
5, Internet shop for new summer wardrobe.
6, Scout around childs room for the elusive sock
7, Anything which may only take an hour involving just you, a feather duster(other props available), and him...ahem
8, Hard-boil twenty eggs.
Hope that helps. In the meantime, please don't encourage either of them to take up either the glockenspiel or the cymbals.
The water cooler appears to be self-filling. It is currently filled with JD&Coke with no ice.
Bliss.
I may (and probably will have to) stay in here for effer and effer...
I can now thoroughly recommend a small siesta on a Wednesday arfernoon as performed by yours truly. I decided that I couldn't consencrate any further so took myself off for a small sleep....bliss!!!
Now I'm off to NC1 to help HL with the watercooler...
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Am off sailing the seven seas tonight - well Portsmouth - Caen anyway. Have pre booked my 'accessible' parking space and bought myself a wedgie cushion so that my hips are above my knees whilst in the car (I am a normally put together kind of gal, physiologically speaking, my hips do lie above my knees (unlike Shakira's which don't lie at all))
All that's left is to finish some work and then bugger orf... If anyone requires me in the next couple of weeks I shall be away....
Will probably pop back later....
Party on dudes :o)
Jo
Okay roll up roll up, lets all put into a collection to buy Ms Love a proper set of saucepans. As you can see from her earlier post she can only boil one egg at a time therefore she is obviously in need of a more extensive collection. I suggest we club together to purchase a Jamie Ol'ouefer set which Matt can deliever to the South Coast Rambler next week with our compliments! I would also request the recipe for some ice for the NC1. (Free the NC1! She's inner cent!)(Yeah right!)
DD out
DD - here's my contribution to 'La Love's Lack of Saucepans' fund avec plaisir .... can't have her and the badger going hungry, can we?
jollygit xx
DD - hope that fiver didn't blow away into the ether?
jollygit x
All hail the wonder that is google images
http://img.alibaba.com/photo/11779870/Egg_Boiler.jpg
:o) Jo
DD - here's a contribution for the saucepan set. Hope it doesn't get lost in cyberspace.
As Jo raised the subject - are Shakira's hips mechanically operated? I don't see how anyone can shake them like that through natural means.
Apropos absolutely nothing, this might make you smile:
According to the story, after every Qantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humour - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Qantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2. Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1. Something loose in cockpit.
2. Something tightened in cockpit.
1. Dead bugs on windshield.
2. Live bugs on back-order.
1. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2. Evidence removed.
1. DME volume unbelievably loud.
2. DME volume set to more believable level.
1. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2. That's what they're there for.
1. IFF inoperative.
2. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1. Suspected crack in windshield.
2. Suspect you're right.
1. Number 3 engine missing.
2. Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1. Aircraft handles funny.
2. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1. Target radar hums.
2. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1. Mouse in cockpit.
2. Cat installed.
1. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
2. Took hammer away from midget.
Jollygit/Analog, thanks for the contributions, which were safely received. Still no offers on the recipe for ice, I note!
DD out
PS The lonely hearts in London caught a plane and flew away!
PPS Leaving dents where I sit!
This may be being a bit greedy, already given your massive generosity, but we do need a microwave. The Badger prefers his food nuked. It is also useful for re-fluffing once he's been snuffling in the bushes. But that's not for here.
DD, thank you for starting the fund.
Jollygit. They are all superb. Just when you think 'that's the best one' along comes another. Has made I larf today! Cheers.
and no smut
love
hazel
x
ps the Naughty Corner is actually quayte nayce once you get used to it. I'd like to thank Stan the Delivery Man for my croissants and coffee this morning.
pps there isn't really another way to spell 'smut' is there. Now slut for instance...slutte...a bit more classy, but still as messy.
Akshully, tell yer wot, it's like a blimmin Harry Potter film here today. Pots and Pans flyin abart like you wouldn't believe...incoming creuset!
et sur ce note...
Jo :0) Bonnes Vacances a tous. Je aime beacoup le camping par ce que j'habite Kemptown maintenant. Si tu veux connais que je suis dire, regardez ton mappe de Brighton et Hove dans le dictionaire rose. Ton couleur favorite je pense?
Are you going to Savoir Fair?
Okay, at the risk of being sent to NC1 for the rest of me days, here is the story of Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree. It is rather naughty:
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.
He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
It's been nice knowing you all.
jollygit xx
Am orf now - See you in a couple of weeks!
Have a great time Jo - love to Mr Jo and baby Jo too xxxx
As I said, NC1 is quayte nayce once you get used to it. Juan Tew, the pool boy, is due tomorrow.
I think Juan said he'd bring his friend José to help with the pool.
That wouldn't be firefighter José and his twin brother Hose B, would it? I know, I'm sorry .....
Ooh, Hazel - you, me and at least two fellas in NC1 .... I wonder who else will join us?!
jollygit xx
Oh dear Ms Love and Jolly G playing mixed doubles in the pool with Ho's A and a right Juan. Where did they leave their cues.
DD out
Move over in the NC
DD. You have to pull one off before you get in.
Just so you know.
Hey ho
Yes?
Too late I know - but have a good holiday Jo and Mr Jo!
Have just caught up really - HL number 7 does it for me and I shall suggest this activity to hubby and see what comes up from it!
Jollygit - you gave me a larf an' a 'arf with that one - as we speak I am thinking of suitable recipients of such smut! And there are a few I am afraid to say.
What a shame it is raining here oop narth for a change. The webbed feet are, however, developing nicely.
Quack, quack for now but not before I give you my offering for the NC1 award:
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one
using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing
wild, and I'm too old to squat."
OK,OK I will see the rest of you in NC1 - on my way now! Budge up will you?
A x
Sorry but Hose B has a note from his mum with his excuses for tomorrow (something to do with a kink in his hose). You'll have to manage with his brother and the other Juan.
I thought it was 'O's. As in 'o's for the gate.
Mon Repose.
'O's.
Dun Werkin
hasta manananananana banana
love
hazel
x
Amanda - always happy to be of service.
good afternoon one and good afternoon all,
Moose - in response to your most recent blog......vis a vis your criteria for a successful book, it is bound to be a great success and will enable your readers to step into your 'fictional world',just as you desire : )
Have thought about you all loads.
Gaby
xxx
ps please accept my apologies for my appauling attendance record
Hi Gaby,
Hope you are OK and taking care of yourself.
There are quite a few absentees at the moment - think everyone busy with work and stuff - I know I have been but am making a concerted effort to blog again 'cos I missed it and everyone!
A x
Amanda - thank you : )
I have missed everyone too : )
Gaby
xx
ps Have also just discovered CLP is getting married again. Wow!!...I know so many people (can't claim to 'know' CLP though!!) who go out, meet a guy/gal, get together and have a long relationship. There MUST be something wrong with me ('could have told you that ages ago', I hear you all cry... : ) )
Gaby - there's nowt wrong with you xx Good to 'see' you again xx
By the time I got hayme last night I had developed a reet good head cold and sore throat. Whilst trying to get some sleep, one nostril was blocked completely and the other just poured like a tap ..... methinks it was from spending too much time in the damp grass on Sunday, but as HL would say, that's not for here!!
Amanda - glad it made you larf. I larfed me socks off when I read it (acksherly I wasn't wearing any socks but you know wot I mean).
I'm off to NC1 to play with José and Juan - woo hoo
a jolly jollygit xx
Jolklygit, dahling, I think we've all flattened a bit of grass in our time! (First heard that saying last week, and I LOVE it and am going to use it at every given opportunity...so apologies in advance...you have been warned)
Gabster, not so much attendance record as your appalling spelling record. I have a Paul. Well, and Badger. So there. I also have an appalling record by Cliff Richard, but that's not for here.
Good morning anyway. Moose, I hope you are starting to feel better than worse!
One of the chaps here has got a machine that measures atmospheric pressure. Apparently I am at sea level. Which probably explains a lot.
Anyhoo, hot to trot
love
hazel
x
Amanda - Defcon 4 days til Monday evening...
I'm getting good. I can recognise a Mika song by the first two chords.
Have just voted with red button.
Me again. Getting it all over with before I embroil myself in the laminater.
My summer crush has just arrived in the office. He is someones son (well I guess he would be) working for us for the 'holidays'.
My darlings, he is GAWJUS.
Swoon swoon etc
love
hazel
x
HL out and right over...
JOLLYGIT!!!! Fab joke - loved it - won't be able to work for ages now with that going round my mind!!!
Not caught up yet lovely people, but will do soon. Apologies for enforced absence - too much to do and far too little time - so much so, that have only seen special friend twice in the last week, and once was for a quick lunchtime COFFEE! HL - back to NC1 NOW!!!
Hope you're all fine and dandy. Speaking of Dandies (or even fops), my 9yo LOVES Janet & John! He wants me to get the CD!!!
Will dip in later,
S xx.
HL How old is said son? Would he be suitable for an almost 40 (but concealing it awfully well) tall long haired brunette? If so please invite him to NC1 and I'll see you there in 5 with a tart for sharing.
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Here are some complaints sent in to the local Council:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the Kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.
13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our Kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, So please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I have no satisfaction.
21.This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
jollygit x
JG, when you're next popping to NC1, which is probably going to be very soo, can you bring a chaise longue for Lyndyloo. Thank you.
Lyndyloo, according to his application form he is 27...His name and age were all I could manage to see before questions were asked as to why I may have been showing an interest...I think he'd do you (other expressions available) quayte naycely for the summer.
Tea with one sugar please Juanetta
love
hazel
x
ps no.7
A Friday Pome
There once was a girlie called Jilly
Who could be incredibly silly
When asked 'what's the joke?'
She said 'it's that bloke!'
He's got an inflatable beach ball.
Thank you for your time.
MESSAGE FROM THE PEDANTRY:
HAZEL LOVE
Soon as in 'in a short while'
not
Soo as in Sweep
MESSAGE ENDS
Hazel - can't lay me hands on a chaise longue but I've got a camping chair in me car ... I'm on me way. I'm bringing some bourbon biscuits for dunking too (ahem)
Love the pome, as always.
I thank you xx
JG
JG, who is this Dunking? Is he a friend of Trevor's?
Heading for NC1 with an inflatable lilo (doesn't matter about the palm tree motif does it?). May need a paddling pool to float it on.
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
ps. Club Tropicana drinks are free!
Oh no, Dunking has cancelled at the last minute (stagefright I think) ... never mind, more bourbons for us!!!
Fun and sunshine ... you'll have to use yer imagination I'm afraid!
jollygit x
Are there any bourbons left? They're my faves. Do I have to misbehave terribly to get into NC1 to even get a chance at a choccy biccy? With all the jokes over the last few days I don't think I stand a chance.
Oh, come on in, the water's LUVVLY! Juan is SOOOO good. Sorry, Lyndyloo, you didn't need a paddling pool, but I'm sure Jose will be pleased to blow something up for you anyway.
I'm on my own this afternoon, and am being banished to the other office in order that I can do something slightly less boring than laminating. May be back, depends if on line for early finish also...well, you can live in Hope.
Or Hove
Or Brighton Actually
love
hazel
x
Palm Tree Motif? Is it one of those armchair ones?
...and analog...you can have some of mine, but only if you bite off the top, and make a footprint with your teeth, like the opposite of a plaster cast, in the chocolate.
A Bourbon Biscuit should take at least 10 minutes to eat.
That's the law
love
hazel
x
...and a hot cross bun at least 1/2 an hour. Something else for Amanda on Monday evening. Eat two HCBs.
Hazel I think you've stumbled on an exciting discovery that could be utilised by dentists the country over. Take the top off a bourbon and use the squidgy bit for making dental impressions! Would taste a darn site better than that yukky pink muck they fill your face up with. What do you think? Is it a go-er?
Oh my - talk about scrambled eggs for brains!
Too much work for a Friday - also, have been glugging coffee all morning and am now shaking and have palpitations. Turns out it wasn't de-caff after all! Saints preserve us...
Will be in such a state when I nsee special friend tonight - no wine required for me!!!
ksjhfuiygmx5uvb476LSKLHABKYVBW89P[
See - caffeine overdosed typing....
Boing, boing, boing, boing...
S xx.
Sammie, bless your little caffeine shakes! Plenty of room temperature water for the next hour should sort you art babe!
analog - and what about that totally GOPPING banana 'flavour' muck they use. Bleurgh... I detest banana flavour with a venom anyway (although I like a nice fresh one, but don't we all, and that's probably not for here) and because he has now told me that it is supposed to be banana, it just makes me wanna pooke.
Anyhoo, signing off now. Hopefully Jo is en France by now...
Anyone back from hols, see you next week!
Have fabby weekends everyone
love
hazel
x
Hazel
I have (finally) sent you an email with the unfortunate title of 'Grettings from Rudgwick'.
I've had a glass or two.
You understand.
Your friend
Matt.
Oh God.
And having re-read it, it gets worse.
Apologies for my slackness.
MfR - In no way a perfectionist/OCD sufferer/etc etc.
MfR - Drunk & happy!
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