Tuesday 9 October 2007

"Stupid is as stupid does" - Forrest Gump

I do like Monday night TV for getting my juices going...and no, I haven't subscribed to Naughty TV or anything.

Usually it's Tonight followed by Panorama that does it. I must be getting old when Martyn Lewis and Jezza get me all worked up!

Still, last night my musings were on the evolutionary, or possibly counter-evolutionary effects of stupidity.

My conclusion is that sub-prime mortgages are not only named for the credit rating of those that take them out. It seems to me that the between the ears functions of these people are also somewhat sub-prime. I know that I grew up with Maffs and stuff and work(ed) in Finance, but the concept of an interest rate isn't too tricky, is it? And even if the mortgages were mis-sold, which they probably were and the culprits should be punished, I'm really not sure that excuses the stupidity that some people exhibit.

"The interest rate went up and we couldn't afford the repayments any more." Doh!
"The broker told me to lie about how much I earned and I just followed his advice." Doh!
"They wanted to give me a half a million in mortgages even though I only earn £30k and I took it." Doh!

If we were to follow evolutionary thinking to it's logical conclusion the argument would run as follows: if people are that stupid, they will go bankrupt, not be able to feed themselves and die. Then the fittest (cleverest?) will survive. Is there anything wrong with that?

Except it doesn't work like that. The stupid people also tend to have lots of kids, or, to hark back a couple of posts, be overweight smokers who have all sorts of health problems, and therefore use a lot of the resources of schools, NHS etc that the clever people (or at least those earning money) pay for.

So by paying taxes we are stopping the forces of natural selection from weeding out the weak in society. Worse than that, we are actually weakening the average set of genes in the pool by allowing them to breed too much.

There's a lot to be said for the 'Brave New World' approach where the gene pool is carefully controlled, the lower echelons are stupid and ugly and would never get a mortgage of any sort, while the rich and beautiful people enjoy all the priveleges.
Then we could just use the stupid and ugly for our entertainment, putting them on TV to display their ignorance to the world. They'd probably do it willingly to get their 15 minutes of fame.

Have to go now, Jeremy Kyle is on...

60 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aaahhh, but ... there are quite a few rich, ugly and stupid people out there too. What about them? Or are their numbers too small to have much of an influence on the gene pool?

Hope you enjoyed Jeremy Kyle ...

Anonymous said...

I have to say I rather enjoyed UC last eve. 65 to 245 well done Christ Church...although I do worry about the innate stupidness of some of the contestants thereon. Mainly that they may be REALLY clever at knowing their griddle brompkin sprocket from their lesser-speedoed twin engine wypocoster...but can they wire a plug? So what about stupid clever people eh?

Being a slightly more substantial than the charts would say was healthy, and a smoker who was chronically ripped off by her brother-in-law then later her husband, mortgage-wise, I now rent. Half these sub-prime bods think that if they 'own' their own house, if they default, then they will be housed. If I can't pay my rent, I get kicked out.

Dunno what is right really.

Feel as though have gone round in circles now.

Rather like the kid with one foot nailed to the floor
love
hazel
x

jollygit said...

I too have been ripped off by an ex-husband. I've been made redundant twice and 'im indoors once and we are on our lowest salaries for probably 5 years; as such we are unable to get back onto the property ladder, but we are more than happy to rent a wee house by the sea.

Selfish though it might sound, we are only interested in having a decent roof over our heads, and not at the ages of 46 and 49 being mortgaged to the hilt for the next 15-20 years and having to work until we're fit to drop. Neither of us has children and my nieces and nephews are already well provided for by my bro and his wife (the kids have all had pension plans since they were about six months old).

Friends of ours are really concerned that we're not on the property ladder any more and it seems the UK is obsessed with owning property.

Mind you, when we get to our 70s, we'll probably be in t'cardboard box in t'middle of t'road!

jollygit xx

Anonymous said...

Hazel: thank you so much for saving me half an hour out of my time tonight - I taped UC!! No worries! I was attending a School Meeting last night (I take the Minutes.....well, I doodle a lot) so I have taped UC and Nigella - though this new programme of hers is not entirely my cup of tea. But I totally get what you mean about intelligence. I know a guy who has a brilliant brain, fluent in French and Spanish, but really does not know the day of the week he's on!

Moose, I would like to comment on your blog, but as much as I have tried, I can't seem to say anything that makes sense! Mr S and I really did not overstretch ourselves with our mortgage, but we lost our house in the equivalent of the Wall Street Crash of '29 and we now rent. I never thought I'd say it, but I wish I had done it 20 years ago!

C xx

Anonymous said...

I like UC - can even manage to get the odd question right occasionally. Watching it just proves what I've learned over more years than I care to think about working in universities up and down the country (and what I've said on here before) - there are people out there with brains the size of a small planet, but totally lacking in any form of common sense or everyday nous. As Hazel said "... can they wire a plug? .." Probably not in most cases.

Anonymous said...

I work with a bunch of intelligent, very intelligent individuals. I call them my babies - think that says it all! They are fantastically talented people - wire a plug? Maybe 2 of the 4 could manage. Having said that I love my job and wouldn't change a thing (I don't think!) about them.

We are fortunate enough (or unfortunate enough) to be mortgaged in our own home. I have mentioned before that the only way we afforded to do this was by moving 200+ miles away from my family (but close by to hubby's). Also we copped an absolute bargain. I feel for those of you who got shafted by family, ex's and the like - it seems to happen all to often.

Haven't been myself of late but am feeling brighter today. So much so I feel a joke coming on - hope you enjoy it!:

DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

A x

Anonymous said...

Evening All!

Thanks for your good wishes re: new baby on the way - I really am thrilled!

With regard to Special Friend - well, I spent less than 2 hours at his house last night and he's phoned me tonight and, I have to say, it's not looking good.

In desperation, I 'fessed all to my mum; she says he's too old for me (he's only 41, but has a much older mindset), which isn't good, when I still think I'm 21. My mum's advice? Give him the elbow, but go out for dinner with him now and then - what's that all about????

H has been kept at arms length. Things have been coming to a head with Special Friend and me for a few weeks now and probably, H has accelerated it all. He's waiting - eagerly (!) in the wings...

Will drop by again, as soon as I can.

DD - hugs and kisses to you - not an easy time.

Keith - glad your boy's getting better!

Love and kisses all,

S xx.

Jo - special kisses for you and baby George! x x x x x x

Anonymous said...

amanda, thank you, I kept sniggering every time I thought of your joke last eve...I always copy and forward yours and Keiths wee gems to any suitable recipients...

Sammie - ohmagawd - baby steps hon! I have to say, I thought you were a teensy bit older than 21 but then I generally think that of everyone I get on with...if that makes any sense at all???

Anyhoo...I have come to the conclusion that Jeremy Kyle looks like one of the lizard people...a bit like George Dubya and Tony Blare...whaddya reckon? An alien infiltrator...let's face it...the 'people' who go on his programme (and I've only ever seen it once when I was too poorly to reach for the remote) are the sort of people who WISH, dahlings, for a REAL alien abduction...although in my opinion most of them already have some kind of implant...

Plates in the head mainly
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

...and look what I've just found...

Moose! For you...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7035815.stm

...and for those watching in black and and white (or ChrissieS)...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/
tech/7035815.stm

Anonymous said...

Hazel: awww, the wee Moose! Fascinating stuff - what do you mean, watching in black & white?

As for Jeremy Kyle, he is truly the spawn of the devil. Occasionally I have been home with Ms S of a morning and she will watch this drivel. I have told her how dangerous it is (for the soul) to watch it and certainly if I'm around, it's not allowed on. However, the ratings tell their own story - the show is a daytime hit - heaven help us all!

Sammie - it would seem that you have been having doubts about your Special Friend for some time. You must follow your heart and if you are really not ready for the "quiet life" then you will resent it later on. I know I have been out of the dating game for a very long time, but I would doubt that it's possible to stay friends and go for dinner occassionally. Or is that just me?! Good luck Sammie, in your decision.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

C xx

Anonymous said...

'...for those of you watching in black and white, the blue ball is behind the pink...'

I think that's it. It was a 'Coleman Ball' or similar, once upon a time...

Anonymous said...

Morning all,

Hope everyone is ok.

Sammie - follow your heart and have some fun!

DD - follow your heart and it will all come good in the end whichever way you decide - thinking of you though as it must be difficult.

Have an important meeting at school this afternoon regarding my middle man - wish us luck - we may well need it!

Hazel - knowing that you appreciate my funny offerings, I thought you may enjoy this one!:

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

A x

Unfortunately there is plenty more where that one came from!

Anonymous said...

Or "James Hunt is in the lead .... either that or he's second".

or "There's only one word sums up our performance: bloody awful".

etc etc.

But, Hazel, I still don't get it! Are you saying I'm daft? If so, no worries, I agree!

C xx

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest I think - it makes me smile everytime I think about it (and cringe as well!):

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A x

Anonymous said...

Amanda: two brilliant jokes today! Good luck with your meeting at the school .... be firm, be strong, good eye contact .... and all that!

C xx

Anonymous said...

...was it not you then, ChrissieS, who had problems previously, copying the link to add into your browser? The old memory ain't wot it was y'see. It may well have bean(sp) someone else...

Odd. My colleague and I were having a conversation re wind earlier today. He was (wrongly I'm sure) trying to persuade me that it isn't always him, and it is, in fact, a gentleman(?) who visits our office on Tuesdees n Thursdees, who can, I'm assured, pass it on demand.

Nice.

So, Amanda...both up to your usual standard...I thank you...

Anyhoo, Dissing Dave. Thinking of you too. I certainly don't envy what you must be going through, but I'm sure we're all hoping that the situation turns out as well as possible xx and you can have this one in a hug too (X)

love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

Morning all.

Love the jokes Amanda! They'll be circulated to my small group of friends ...

Anonymous said...

Bother! The school have postponed the meeting now so a sleepless night for nothing and probably another 6 or 7 coming up until it is reconvened (already had 4 or 5 working up to today). Bother, bother bother!!!

A x

Anonymous said...

Hazel Love: you are right, as always! I haven't a scoobie about this cut and paste malarky. Bring back the IBM Golf Ball, I say! (with internet access of course).

Amanda - I admire your restraint! And I am sure you WERE awake all night trying to rehearse what was going to happen. Nightmare! I think I can safely say, you will sleep tonight, just from sheer exhaustion!

C xx

Anonymous said...

This is not goodinuff. I am talking to myself. I have also eaten a spider today.

See other side.

Hope you are all well!

Anonymous said...

I knew an old lady who swallowed a spider
It wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly
I don't know why she swalled the fly ...

PLEEEEASE DON'T bring back the IBM golfball! I used to have to swap between 3 different golfballs to type engineering equations. It was bl**dy tedious changing the thing every other character!

Anonymous said...

or even:
I don't know why she swallOWed the fly ...

Anonymous said...

I think I'm talking to myself now ... Hellooooooo o o o o o?

as my contribution to the slightly non-PC humour, I've just received this from a Glaswegian friend ...

An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Glaswegian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"

Anonymous said...

Analog - completely un-PC but very, very funny - lets hope Chrissie (our resident Glaswegian) feels the same way else you will be in for a Glasgee-kess!!!!

And to insult the Irish ........

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle , Ireland . They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "dat's dem". The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass. At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "dis looks like a grand place". He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass. He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff, carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the bottom, and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean O'Driscoll appears. He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief





"Fook dat, lads. Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me .... first dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"


I am off to join Analog in NC1 now. Budge up love, make room for a large one!

A x

Anonymous said...

No, dear analog, you're not...

There's still ickle me!

They must all be terribly busy.

I am bored shi sorry WITless.

I am busy but it is getting REALLY tedious, and I had to have custard creams for lunch. As well as the swalled spider obviously.

Anonymous said...

There is a gawd!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7037443.stm

or for ChrissieS, or anyone else else out out there there there...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world
/asia-pacific/7037443.stm

Anonymous said...

Just seen that on Yahoo and it made me laugh. Think I may need to sort one out for myself tonight!

A x

Anonymous said...

Wow, there's been quite a lot of activity!

Great jokes Analog and Amanda! Where would we be without the funnies - and if we can't laugh at our Irish cousins and our Glaswegian ..... well, Glaswegians, where would we be? The Glasgow guy in Analog's joke sounds just like someone I know!

Hazel - apparently we all swallow something like 20 spiders each in our lifetime. I cannot BEAR the thought of it! But I have swallowed a fly once - horrendous and calamari (sp?) in Spain, thinking it was onion rings! My brain told me they were onion rings and they tasted like onion rings. But very, very chewy!

Have been missing for a while this afternoon - my colleague and his partner brought in their wee baby to see us. Gorgeous, tiny and och gorgeous again. As they were leaving I said, it's hard to believe now - but some day he will utter the words "yes, of course I'll phone you" and that old chestnut "it's not you, it's me"! Men!

C xx

Anonymous said...

20 spiders??? I walk very fast the other way if I see one in the same room, let alone on my plate! Do they sneak in when we're not looking???

I ate chocolate covered aubergine once. That was an experience. Not quite as chewy as calamari but equally disgusting. It's the little suckers that do for me (on the squiddy things not the aubergines, obviously).

Anonymous said...

Analog,

I know, it's horrendous, but apparently this happens while we are sleeping. Apparently. Average number over a whole lifetime. I read this somewhere, I am sure. But with a bit of luck I dreamt it!

C xx

Anonymous said...

aaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh! I'll never sleep again! At least, not without some sort of filtration equipment over my face ... perhaps a fencing mask would keep the blighters out?

Anonymous said...

Morning lovely people!!!

I'm good - slept like a log last night, after a fairly sleepless night Tues, what with everything going on. (Madam is being a little, well...I am now convinced she must be schitzophrenic.)

Saw H last night at my sons rugby training - legs went to jelly!!!! Oh my goodness!!! FUN - here I come!

Have decided I don't want the hassle anymore. I have enough in my life 'full-time' to keep me out of trouble, but nowt wrong with a bit o' fun now and again!

V disappointed last night - the local Police play matches at my sons rugby club and last night, they were ther for a game against Prison Officers. I have NEVER seen such a bunch of useless wobbly guys in my life! I thought one of them was going to require oxygen at one point - not a decent pair of legs between them! The only fit ones were 12 and had legs like pipe cleaners!!!! Our clubs 'Colts' (17 yo's) knock spots off them - aaah well!

Righty - off into work now. Have a great day all and will try to drop by later. Taking my folks out for dinner tonight.

S xx.

Anonymous said...

Sammie, fun sounds like the best plan!

...the spiders now...a WHOLE different kettle of something...

I have to confess, I'm not QUITE so terrified of them (now) and we do have the odd one or two (teeny tiny (or incey wincey I s'pose)) living in the flat, and the ickle leggy one in the bathroom unfortunately died while I was on hols...and badger didn't tell me until I asked!

I DO however, need to check the general ceiling area above the bed WAY before I decide to go to sleep, and if I feel a tickle in the night (if only, but that's not for here) I generally wake up...

Eating spiders. Not good.

At ALL
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

Good Morning and thank goodness it's Thirsty Thursday! I have been v.v. good all week (to quote Lyndyloo) but I have a feeling that may change this evening!

Analog - hope you slept well last night! Only kidding of course! Shall we move away slowly from yesterday's discussion and put it behind us?!!

Sammie - fun is .... well, lots of fun! Go for it!

Now, this is a wee bit risque for this time in the morning, and also I am hopeless with jokes, but I thought this was a cracker:

A really hard faced Irish woman goes into a Tesco store in Dublin with her two sons who are already creating havoc. The greeter on the door says "Hello, welcome to Tesco. Sure now, are your two boys twins?". The woman says "naw, they are NOT feckin' twins! One of them is 7, and the other one is 10. Why, in a million years would you think they are feckin' twins?" The greeter says:











"It's just that I canny imagine anyone sh*ggin' you twice"!



Am I allowed to stay on here?!

Have a good day everyone.

C xx

Anonymous said...

Old wives tale (but seems to work) to keep spiders away, place a conker in each corner of the room.

Chrissie - NC1 for you!

Have a good thirsty Thursday.

A x

Hope to be back later.

Anonymous said...

Don't remember swallowing anything I shouldn't have last night, but I do have a tickly cough this morning ... P'raps I'm just paranoid now. End of spider conversations!

Hope you're all tickety boo.

Anonymous said...

O.K. It wasn't a very good joke! First and last from me!!

C xx

Anonymous said...

Oh, ChrissieS, but it WAS!

Anonymous said...

Oh, ChrissieS, but it WAS!

Anonymous said...

Chrissie - I loved the joke!

Here is another one - of course it is not PC!:
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."

A x

lyndyloo said...

Arfternoon Folks!!!

I'm back for a wee while before I have to get on another airoplane again.


Firstly:-))) Jo! Well done congrats etc etc etc Welcome to baby George ahhhhhhhh!

Secondly- I'm afraid that travelling and living in other peoples houses is not good for the 6 point plan but I'll let you all know the progress next Monday

Thirdly- Apologies for not having read all the posts yet... been a bit busy catching up

Lastly- How much fun is it bouncing on a trampoline? I love it! Curly has one in his garden and it's just fun fun fun fun fun (to quote tigger)!!!!!

Luv
Lyndyloo
&the Bears
-x-x-x-
oooops! and Daddy who's staying with me this while Mum spends some time with her sisters in Wales...
-x-

Anonymous said...

What a day! WHAT A DAY!

Boss in complete panic mode - heading for a week's holiday tomorrow and has realised he has DONE NOTHING for the past week!

Still, lovely to see Lyndyloo making a (brief) return! Life is treating you well, and that's great. I would love to try a trampoline but given that I can honestly give Dolly Parton a run for her money, I just can't take the risk! Hope you are spoiling your daddy!

Amanda, your joke (like all the others) was brilliant and completely spot on. I asked Mr S to switch on the (fully loaded and ready to go) washing machine last week and he needed a coffee to recover! To be completely fair to the guy, he takes care of all the recycling that takes place Chez S, does the weekly shopping and is the only driver at our address. But everything else, and I do mean everything else, has my name on it. Hey Ho!

See you tomorrow guys, have a lovely Thursday evening.

C xx

Anonymous said...

Morning all,

Good to be in a place that is full of friends! ;-))

I am home alone at the moment as Mrs B has gone up to the smoke for a couple of days to help her sister celebrate her birthday. Do you know it is nice to have some time on your hands if only to realise that you miss having her around, I hope she feels the same way…

Chrissie I did like your joke, keep them coming. :-)) and Amanda of course very funny!

I have no problem with spiders although I may draw the line at eating one or two! Fresh calamari is very nice in my opinion; the frozen rubbish served over here is gross I will admit. I have to say that sea food is right up there in my favourite food choices. In fact it is smoked salmon for lunch today. :-)

I know I keep saying it but I do hope to be back later. I have a doctors appointment at 11:30 (just for a check up) so may be back after lunch.

Keep smiling

Keith the BigUn
xx

Anyhoo just to start you day…

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'No shit!' says the man, 'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

Anonymous said...

Love the joke Keith! Fingers crossed all is well at your appointment later.

and ChrissieS your joke yesterday was great. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Back later

Anonymous said...

I think I have a bargain here. A bloke at work has offered to sell me 8 whole legs of venison for £150. Is that a good price or is it two deer?

Anonymous said...

Gooood morning!

Keith - brilliant, as always! And, yes, I always find absence makes the heart grow fonder. So, why do I moan so much at Mr S?! Must do better!

Now, who fancies getting on a helicopter and coming up to Glasgow this morning to help me with "collating" the last three years expenses, cheque books, invoices and fee accounts. No-one? Well, I suppose I'll have to do it myself, then! Sooo looking forward to my day!

I will be back and I think it's only fair to warn you, I'm gonna need some real support to get through until 5.30!

C xx

Anonymous said...

Hiya,

Hazel, love your venison chat. I have never tested venison, I just don't think I could eat Bambi!

I have found the cheque books and expenses for the last two years, but I am now avoiding the rest of the stuff - it's too messy, there's too much of it and I can't cope!

C xx

Anonymous said...

Never tried Venison myself, yet. But eating Bambi, sounds a little bit dodgy and could lead to dimples in thighs and buttocks, all that celluloid!

Sorry, I'll get me coat!

DD out

Anonymous said...

Oh, grayshus me. The deer is not my work! Delighted that you think so, but no.

KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEITH! YAY!

I told our local publican the pub joke last eve. He enjoyed it greatly, so thank you Amanda, and then joined the badger in pouring house-double gins down my neck. Am distinctly not self today. All self-inflicted as I found I couldn't keep my mouth shut or say no, and although it has reached approx 12.18pee em very quickly, I have an odd feeling that the rest of the work day is going to take about three weeks.

Other news, have just made enquiries from about the only real butcher in Brighton and HA regarding my Christmas goose. He reckons about £40, and this is for one that is currently living a blissful life about ten miles away, but that's what we've decided so that's wot we're 'AVIN!

The butcher only really recommends having it hot though, as it leaves a bit to be desired when cold. I do find that I prefer a warm goose.

See you in NC1
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

Oh, grayshus me. The deer is not my work! Delighted that you think so, but no.

KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEITH! YAY!

I told our local publican the pub joke last eve. He enjoyed it greatly, so thank you Amanda, and then joined the badger in pouring house-double gins down my neck. Am distinctly not self today. All self-inflicted as I found I couldn't keep my mouth shut or say no, and although it has reached approx 12.18pee em very quickly, I have an odd feeling that the rest of the work day is going to take about three weeks.

Other news, have just made enquiries from about the only real butcher in Brighton and HA regarding my Christmas goose. He reckons about £40, and this is for one that is currently living a blissful life about ten miles away, but that's what we've decided so that's wot we're 'AVIN!

The butcher only really recommends having it hot though, as it leaves a bit to be desired when cold. I do find that I prefer a warm goose.

See you in NC1
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

Now I'm even SEEING double.

HAYULP!

Anonymous said...

Ah, Sir Dave of Dissing.

Good welcome to you this fine day. I trust all is relatively well in the state of Denmark? I'd say more, but I have a nasty feeling I'm going to have to do some work in a minute.

Anonymous said...

..and have also just realised the joke I told my mate was courtesy of wilsmar, next door...

Has anyone seen my cloakroom ticket?

Anonymous said...

See I said I would be back…

Sorry for the confusion but the venison was mine. ;-) I posted it as an after thought as I left to visit my doctor. She is delighted with me. My weight loss is well ahead of target (I know I have not said how much I have lost publicly yet but I will, one day.) and my energy levels are way up there. I played golf on Wednesday and went for a bicycle ride (11 miles) yesterday. I will be taking a late lunch today and cycling for another 6 miles today. So this BigUn is not so big anymore but Mrs B says I just a lovable.

Late one and all

Keith the not quite so BigUn
Xx

And just as a thought…

If you lend someone £50 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

Anonymous said...

Or even…

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

:-))

Anonymous said...

I was correct in my assumption. I did indeed have work to do. However, the flashing has now stopped, but my eyes are now square from staring at the screen.

Keith, I never doubted you were loveable for one minute. I just know you are. Mrs B is a lucky laydee! Glad all now seems to be going well for you.

The weather isn't quite chill enough for stockings yet, but I'm sure I could squeeze one in somewhere.

Or squeeze in one
love
hazel
x

Golly, nearly 3. Someone up there likes me!

Anonymous said...

Why Hazel, thank you! Not for the first time I hear you cry! ;-)) I would agree that all is on the up for me at the moment and to quote the legendary (to some of us) James Brown “I feel good” ;-))

3 o’clock and alllls well!

I will be leaving early as I have a new boss and I have to keep up my old habits of leaving early on a Friday otherwise he may think I like it here and make me work late every Friday and that would not do!

Mrs B has been on the phone to tell me that she will be home late this evening so I will keep her side of the bed warm to make sure she has to wake me up!

Have a good weekend all of you!

Keith the BigUn
xx

A young girl was at the doctor's for a checkup:

"By the way, Doctor, my boyfriend has dandruff. Is there anything you might suggest?"

"Why don't you just give him Head & Shoulders?"

After a short pause, "How do you give shoulders?"

Anonymous said...

Have lovely weekends anybody still out there.

...and for gawd's sake Moose. Get some clothes on...speedos are NOT daywear.

ciao bellas
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

ps amanda. I collected 15 shiny conkers this morning on my way from the bus stop. I await the progress, both window and doorwards, of any of our eight-legged friends and shall keep you posted.

Does anyone know where I can find an old wife?

Anonymous said...

Hello!

How's everyone?

Have to say - a certain decision has made me feel so much better - hadn't realised how much things were weighing me down - if you know what I mean?

I have just let H down - we had planned a date for tomorrow, but as my boss sent me home sick today AND my boy has a rugby tournament ALL day on Sunday - I just can't do it - ho hum.

Also found out today that I may not have a job!!!! ROLL ON REDUNDANCY!!! Of course, because I want it, it won't happen.

You're all such a special bunch - just wanted to say thanks for being great - I know I'm only here intermittently, but you all welcome me when I am here - it's great!

"Have I Got News For You" is on and I need a laugh!!!

Have a FANTABULOUS weekend,

S xx.