Friday 20 April 2007

OAMC at the Galleria

Moose arrived first. He started drinking pints while waiting for the others. Then Moose turned up. Annoyingly he started copying everything Moose was doing - which was largely drinking pints. The table against the mirrored wall was only big enough for 2 sets of antlers, so by the time Moose and Moose had drunk enough pints, Moose and Moose arrived to join them. The waitress very kindly had moved them to the table in the mirrored corner by this time. All four Mooses had another pint while waiting for the meal to arrive. The Mooses had tried to be as pikey as possible and had ordered the special meal for 4 as it was the cheapest deal on offer. The waitress had shot a worrying glance at Moose when he ordered for everyone. She had gazed open-mouthed as he asked the others for confirmation that his order was Ok with them. But they all agreed.
Starters arrived - spare ribs. All the Mooses grabbed at once and polished them all off in a flash. One Moose ended up with BBQ sauce dripping all over his fuzz, one had it all around his mouth, one had some on his nose and the other remained sauce-free. The burgers and fries went much the same way, all washed down with more pints. Moose made a dash for the toilets while Moose, Moose and Moose had a burping competition. Unfortunately this then descended further into a farting competition when Moose returned (he had toilet paper stuck on his shoe but none of the other Mooses had the heart to tell him).
The people at the next table then complained about the smell. The Mooses were ushered out of the restaurant into the arms of the waiting policemen. Prison overcrowding being ignored, they were all locked up together in a cell in the dungeons of Hatfield police station.
When Moose woke up this morning, they had already released the other 3 Mooses and he was alone in the cell, with a banging headache and a bowl full of watery porridge thrown at him.
Thankfully he was released without charge. The custody sergeant told him he was a very lucky Moose. He had come dangerously close to charges of possession of a pair of antlers and not being pikey enough for Hatfield. Only the dried remains of BBQ sauce on the antlers and the farting competition had saved him. He was let off with a warning to 'be less eloquent next time, sonny' and a suggestion that neighbouring tables should always be invited to join in any food fights or farting competitions in future to avoid any further trouble.

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

Remind me never to go to Hatfield. How pikey do you have to be??? Do they sell "council house" trousers?

Jollygit - sorry to hear about the job. Must be one of those weeks.

Can't be *rsed to finish the filing so I'm catching up on all the email jokes I've been sent. Here's one for you ...

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Anonymous said...

So it WAS you. Dammit, I wish I'd gone in now.

Anonymous said...

Moose - glad to hear that you, Moose, Moose & Moose had a good time!

EG

Anonymous said...

hey Moose
I've just done a Sammie (on the other side she always seems to post JUST as CE posts his new one)
Anyway...what type of BBQ sauce was it? You have to be careful as it stains..how would you explain that to mrs moose ( apart from the fact you didn't come home, of course)stains on moose fuzz are notoriously hard to remove.
Sounds like a fun night, and no mention of TKmaxx..was it all too much in wetherspoons? it was a wetherspoons wasn't it (Pikey food heaven)
Glad you managed to post..I am now anticipating mega funny comments from my stalkee et al!
Love
caroline xx

Anonymous said...

They do give everyone a last chance to avoid Hatfield. That's why they added 'and the North' to that sign post. It was shorter than 'Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here'.

jollygit said...

Moose - perhaps the acronym Farting Over Red-faced Diners would be appropriate after last night?

jollygit x

PS Thanks everyone xxxx

Anonymous said...

The more common sounds of Hatfield

Ere, woss all this yeller stuff in me chicken kive?

Call thatta bargin?

Does burberry make my arse look big?

Oi, Darrell, Wevverspoons or Yateses?

Shooda got leggins wiv likra reely.

Kallesha's got ar Chippendale tickets ent she?

Course its real darlin!

Ice AND lemon? You a poof or sumfin?

...and I'm sure there are more...

...and I did say common...

Poor Moose. Poor, poor Moose. How nasty for you. You'll have to ask Mrs Moose to rub something nice on it.

euw lookin at me
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

Oh, and Caroline...just a small worry...I am concerned that you know about the supposed difficulty removing BBQ sauce stains from Moose fuzz.

Actually, forget that, it says 'Guaranteed to remove 99% of BBQ stains on Moose fuzz' on the side of the cillit bang bottle.

Anonymous said...

I thought Moose fuzz was a branch of the constabulary. The penalty for dripping BBQ sauce on a member of said organisation being a night in the cells.

Jo said...

Good job it wasn't Mrs Mooses fuzz - I think that's an entirely different passtime!

:o) Jo

Jo said...

PS got a HUNK love heart - any takers??

PPS and a 'Just say no' รก la Grange Hill Circa the 1980's

PPS In case the fuzz come round I've also got an 'I surrender'

Anonymous said...

I wish I'd said 'no' circa the 1980s.

Ah well.

Zammo
love
hazel
x

ps I still have the one from the other day thank you Jo xx

Anonymous said...

Ooooh Jo, I've not had a love heart - hunk or otherwise in a long time.

EG

Anonymous said...

Just to add Jo:

I've not had a love heart or a hunk in a very long time

Anonymous said...

Hello!!!

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

I'M HOME ALREADY - YAY!!!

Still working though...

I love you mad bunch of bloggers. Moose, do you need legal representation? I hear Pike, Pike and Pikey are just the ticket for Hatfield...

S xx.

Anonymous said...

Have a good weekend everyone.

I am leaving work early, as am full of a cold and sore throat just in time for the weekend!!!

Analog - loved the joke - made me giggle!

A x

Anonymous said...

Dear Mariella

See you've gone all xanga on our ass..! Very pretty...and it means I can actually access you (ooer) from work too, hoorah!

I'm two down too, I also have a t-shirt, but I don't wear it very often because the boy may get upset.

Regarding the love heart...the boy is on nights from Sunday, so the current climate of peas, love, joy and happiness will be blighted by a definite cold, dry spell for some time coming up...so if there's a 'I'm Doing It For Myself' (as in the sisters, and no other meaning is to be attached to this statement, and unless Sammie already has dibs on it) sweetie going begging, can I have it please..?

Yay, only an hour to go hoorah

I think this calls for a dunk in. Would the people (using the term 'people' loosely Moose) like to join in?

Lets say 1600.

Oh, and Jollygit, regarding the boogeying...at least for this weekend, this practice has indeed been curtailed, following my pedic injury and due to certain financial constraints also. Added to the fact that every time I start to walk anywhere, 'it' starts to bleed again...don't really think it's a good idea!

Kettle...get me to the kettle...

steaming
love
hazel
x

Sammie...have a great weekend lambkin!

jollygit said...

Just had a phone call about the other job I went for on Tuesday .... they haven't made a decision yet but will decide and let us know next week. I suppose at least it wasn't a 'no' and I'm still in with a chance, but for now I have to be patient. I'm not known for my patience!!!!

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a lovely weekend and I'll try to pop in over the next few days to see what you're up to.

Hazel Love - looks like enforced rest for you pet. Take care xx

jollygit xx

Jo said...

My nice boss loves me!

He got all sad when I kept reminding him that I was off FOREVER at the end of August.

I had to tell him that de nile ain't the only river in Egypt!

Anyhoo he's gonnea kick horrible cow bosses ass from here to next year if she doesn't get things sorted.

And I didn't cry, just maybe shed a silent tear or two but hopefull unnoticed!

Happy Weekend Everyone

:o) Jo

PS Am going home to demolish the FAB's (Ice lollies) I bought from the Co-op on Tuesday, 3 down, 13 to go!

PPS They were on special offer - I though it was rude not to buy them.

Anonymous said...

Half an hour to go - Yippee! Have a soooooper weekend folks.

Hazel - take care of your tootsies.
Moose - hope the cillit bang works on antler fuzz ...
Jo - don't eat your Fabs too fast or you'll get that really horrid pain between the eyes.
Amanda - hope the cold symptoms don't ruin your weekend.
Jollygit - patience is a virtue, or so I'm told. Another glass of something chilled will help whilst you're waiting!
Keith & Mary - hope the docs were OK.

TTFN

Anonymous said...

only 21 minutes from Tulsa...although may be a bit quicker...am dashing home to eat yummy steakness, but have to stop to buy lektrickery first...all go!

Have lovely weekends gorgeous guys 'n gals uhuhuhuhuhuhuh jewelry etc hope the hospitals weren't too vile...

Thank you Moose
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

Have a great weekend one and all…

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

Keep smiling :-))

Keith the BigUn
xx

Moose said...

Oh no, the cillit bang has turned my antler fuzz blue. Still, blue fuzz is better than blue mist, and what else do you expect on a Friday.

Made a large error of judgement earlier (apart from following BAz's advice on the cillit bang)and will learn later just how bad the consequences will be...

Very tired. Am at home having collected the mooselets. Slept most of last night on the sofa, lights on, TV blaring, contact lenses in. Might go for a power nap while they are watching kids TV.

Anonymous said...

Hazel - you can have the sweetie, I really don't mind.

Jollygit - I'm still crossed and keep falling down every time I try to go anywhere, so can you please call the job people and tell them to GET A MOVE ON!!!! :-)

Jo - I like Solero Light ice lollies, they're delicious and not many WW points, I seem to remember...

Mary and Keith - let us know how you got on (if you can) xx.

Just taken little man to the Barbers. He always knows when I collect him early that that's where we're going! He's funny. hates going, but once he;'s there doesn't stop talking!

Moose, I can recommend nothing at all for BBQ stains on fur. The cats generally don't let me clean them when they're mucky...

S xx.

P.S. Very busy weekend planned with kids... No time for anything else, except for going out with the friend I was supposed to go out with last night on Sunday...

P.P.S. LIFE

P.P.P.S Is for LIVING!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi All

Survived the hospital appointment, will have to wait a week for my results! Patience isn't one of my strong points, will have to keep myself busy to make the week go quickly.

Big thank you to all of you for your support, it really does mean a lot to me xx

Keith - thinking of you xx

Very funny jokes, can't remember who posted what but they did cheer me up. Thanks for my pome Hazel :o)

Jollygit and EG - sorry to hear your news on the job front. Hope your plans come to fruition soon xx

I've just popped a tub of cheesy cheese pringles (other crisp varieties available)....bad move!

Chrissie - Sorry you weren't feeling too great this week, glad your better xx

Amanda - hope your cold is better soon. A hot tody, hot bath, lots of vic rubbed on your kneck and chest, then tuck yourself up in bed.

Gaby - {{{hug}}}....special hug for a special person, without you this week would have been an awful lot worse for me! xxxxxx

Have a nice weekend everyone xx

Lots of love
Mary xx

Anonymous said...

Jollygit - I've recrossed everything for you.

Keith - couldn't decide if your post was an accurate discussion with doc or not - so still have everything crossed for you.

MWK - again, everything crossed.

Moose - when next you feel hungry, suck on it - the BBQ stains! - must be better than a silly bang!!

Have a great weekend everyone.

EG

Anonymous said...

Have I missed a great party or something? Where is everyone?

EG

Anonymous said...

Not sure EG, I've missed it too :o(

Mary xx

Anonymous said...

Well, Ladies, I'm here...

The Muse visits me at such peculiar times, I have to write it down as and when - Moose, I think a notebook might be a little less disruptive - what do you think?

Stuff - well, the confusion continues and is actually now waning to irritation... which is why I am still up at this hour, for the Muse to visit!

Swings and raandabaats...

In the office tomorrow, so won't be here until after work...

Have a great Monday all! Will try to Blog over the page, but have a 6 hour (yes SIX) project meeting tomorrow, so is nigh on impossible...

S xx.

lyndyloo said...

Morning Bloggers I'm Home!!!!

Have missed you and the bears and have had thoroughly marvelous time. Will wax lyrical soon but have to get some work done as need to catch up...

Luv
Lyndyloo
Back with the Bears
-x-x-x-x-

Anonymous said...

Good morning, just checking in.

Couldn't join in on Friday due to the fact I had to WORK all day! Nightmare!

Moose, hope you have recovered from the OAMC - the SOAMC was terribly well behaved in comparison!

I had one of those weird weekends where it's Friday at 6pm and then 4 seconds later it's 6.30 on Monday morning and it's back to grind!

Hey Ho, will try to get a little cheerier as the day goes on.

Welcome back Lyndyloo!

C xx

Anonymous said...

lyndyloo - Nic is leaving Drivetime. There is no way to soften the blow...he's going this week, and I did try to chastise them by telling them off that they announced it while you were out of the country, but...

...and ChrissieS - I know EXACTLY what you mean. This weekend, whilst still seeming to have plenty of hours for doing the washing and not a lot else (although I did sneak to HA Park for a couple of hours to read my book in peace away from the CotC) it was, all of a sudden, time to get up this morning.

The boy is on nights for two weeks now, so I didn't sleep too well last night anyway, and could've done with an extra day to the weekend at the very least!

Hey
ho
love
hazel
x

Merry Saint George's Day! Getchor Flags art for the lads!

Anonymous said...

Where is everybody?

...and those of you who art there Romeo...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6583067.stm

or for Jo

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/
entertainment/6583067.stm

One is wondering how long the average american sheet is? For want of a better expression...

Anonymous said...

hello all
just checking in
good weekend ( I'm v lucky because i have fridays off.Hooray!
not v sunny in borders, but at least not raining.
Biscuits for my meeting today are Fox's Classic.. No aldi Pikey biscuits today! Treat!
I looked at the SOAMC pictures on Susans S site... blimey, me and mary look similar! Can't wait to meet in the flesh..Edinburgh would be great for me.

Love
Caroline

Anonymous said...

Just checking in - sorry I'm late Miss, but I had to work this morning and have got to spend most of the afternoon doing the same thing. Darn it!

Hazel - have read the link ... I don't know about the size of an American sheet but their stuff is of a different consistency to ours I'm told. Something to do with strength when wet. And Americans fold, not crumple their sheets before use. Maybe that makes it easier to use less?

Suddenly I'm losing the will to live ...

Moose said...

Quick story from a previous life:

In studies, 78% of people claim to be 'folders' while 21% claim to be 'crumplers'.

What do the other 1% do?

Ah, well, they are people who have been in the military and have to be very careful with their rations.

What do they do then?

They take a single sheet, fold it in half once, then fold it the other way. They then tear out a small middle section, to make a hole about 1cm in diameter. They put the torn out circle carefully in their pocket and then they stick their finger through the hole and off they go.

And the middle section?

They use that to clean out their fingernail afterwards.

Anonymous said...

Moose and analog

You REALLY need to get out more...

jollygit said...

Crikey, it's quiet today - is everyone OK?

jollygit xx

Moose said...

My only excuse is that I used to be the Finance Manager for the Toilet Tissue division of a major global manufacturing company...stuff like that was called customer research and counted as work.

I thought I had the least glamorous job until I met someone in adult nappies...if you know what I mean!

Anonymous said...

Moosage from the Pedantry.

No Moose.

Someone in adult nappies?

For the imaginatively impaired among us, please elaborate...

Anonymous said...

Hi guys,

I also have to ask - where IS everyone?!

Speaking for myself, I realised towards the end of last week that I really have let things slide at work. Filing up to the ceiling, people demanding money for invoices they submitted in January, that sort of thing!

So, on Friday I decided to get my act together a bit and do some work. The thing is .... I'm really fed up working - full time that is. I have been working in the same line of business (surveying) since 1974. I have heard it all, said it all, and LIED it all for the last 33 years! By lying, I mean, stretching the truth "yes, the Report is in the post" when the tape is still sitting on my machine, waiting to be transcribed!

I suppose I am just having one of those "I thought I'd better doing something else by now" moments, but it will pass!

Hope everyone else is o.k.



C xx

lyndyloo said...

Aggggghhhhhhhh!!!!! I have just had the time to look in again and I'm felled by the news... where is he going? Has he come to his senses and realised he needs to be a promoter of Bahamian land? He can't go... it's not on!!! I'm sending an email to CLP right now!

Anonymous said...

Poor Lyndyloo - totally traumatised!

Reading over my last fascinating item, I actually meant to say "I thought I'd BE doing something else by now"! Still doesn't make sense really!

C xx

lyndyloo said...

Chrissie and HL, thank you for your concern. I think I'll get over the news but have had to send some strong words to CLP!

....taking a deep breath.... AAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Now, where was I?

I've decided that I have to dry out for the next week as my kidneys hurt from last week. It's an organic fruit, veg and fish week for me.... then the big 50th birthday party for one of my best mates.... then the kidneys will no doubt hate me once more!

Mineral water anyone?

Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-

Anonymous said...

Oh lyndyloo, oh petal!

BIG HUGS FOR YOU PRECIOUS ANGEL!

Welcome home anyway...
love
hazel
x

ps on a purely mercenary front, did you get me a present? Or anyone?

Moose said...

Hazel - was simply doing a play on words for the pedantically minded. When I say "someone in adult nappies" I mean someone who worked in the adult nappy division. Incontinence pants. Tena Lady. Need I say more. I'd rather not.

Rather than someone who actually wore the aforesaid items. Not that there's anything wrong with it, just didn't mean them.

Anyway, a friend worked in the research department of that division - their job involved a lot of weighing and measuring...so all of us should be happy that our jobs may be sh1t but at least we don't have to actually deal with sh1t. Well, most of us, anyway (Anna, Susan excluded - and Jo in her next job!).

Anonymous said...

That aside Moose, I urge you all to re-use water from rinsing your salads, although according to poor, beautiful even in tears, lyndyloo, as your tap water probably has sh1t in it.

My step-dad is very scathing of mountain spring water too. He is of the opinion that it probably has a dead sheep in it.

Tena Lady. They really went to town on the marketing name for that one didn't they. Mind you, I was once shopping in a chemist, and the guy being served in front of me was waxing lyrical about how effective Dr White's were for grown-ups haemorrhoids...but that's not for here...

itchy
scratchy
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

Oh dear, made it to No#1 on Friday, but have been BP'd today.

That'll teach me for being mean about Ridey won't it!

Ma nom est merde je pense...but I don't caaaaaaaaaaaaaaare...

Oh, I WISH it was hometime. What a dull dull dull dull day it's been. No sun, no birdies, and the buns were REALLY making an effort to be cute...and they usually just are...

I'm so pretty, oh so pretty
love
hazel
x

Anonymous said...

...and knock me darn wiv a fevver clever trever...I'm number one again!

I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who has supported me throughout this campaign.

love
hazel
x

Gor blimey guv...why can't English teach their Children how to SPEAK!

Anonymous said...

There's a distinct theme emerging from today's posts ... can't quite put my finger on it - and would prefer not to as it brings back memories of my previous career. Nurse - the screens!

Good news though - I've got an interview on Friday. Woo hoo!
And now it's time to go home. It's been a pretty cr*p day all round so I'm looking forward to tomorrow as it can only get better.

Anonymous said...

Hi all!

I survived the boredom of 6 hours planning - I could have completed the whole teams planning in that time, on my own, but hey ho.

I am tired! Went out last night and got home, well, let's just say after midnight! Then I couldn't sleep! Not sure what's going on there!

It looks like it's been quiet here today - haven't checked out CLP's blog yet, although I did manage to blog early...

Lindyloo - welcome back!

Ana - Hooray for the interview - fingers and toes crossed...

Moose - adult nappies? OMG!!! I have a vision now that I just can't get out of my head - YUCK!!!

Later all, am catching up with all correspondance, as an alternative to ironing...

S xx.

Anonymous said...

Hi All - just a quick one - big headache coming on so going off to bed early.

Welcome back Lyndyloo. Have I missed CLP news?

Chrissie S - I had a 3 day weekend but it was exactl;y the same as yours in terms of speed!

Caroline - glad you're up for Edinburgh meet. We'll start fixing up dates soon.

Luv to all.

EG

Anonymous said...

Morning all,

Alopogies for absence over the weekend and yesterday.

Untrue excuse: was on a mini-break (a la Bridget Jones) with man of dreams - off in sports car, hood off (not a euphemism), hair flowing in breeze - saucy weekend in Skegness.

Real excuse: um, would be too boring to print.

Mary - thank you for lovely
words xxx

Lyndyloo - welcome back xx

Gaby
xx

Anonymous said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/6584229.stm

Look out Super Moose!

lyndyloo said...

Ooooh it's so lovely to be back. Thank you for welcoming me home. I've got to decide what night I want to go out to meet new date man (via t'internet) and I think it might just be tonight (before beautifully tanned face fades back to pale and uninteresting).... will contemplate it in the car on the way to sunny (not) Leicester.

Laters

Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-