From the BBC website:
'A prisoner at HMP Bristol has been treated for deep laceration wounds after cutting off his penis with a razor blade.
The inmate who is serving an 18-month sentence for possession of a knife, was found by wardens on Sunday morning.
Prison officials said the incident was "extremely serious". '
Extremely serious? You're telling me! I couldn't stop my eyes watering for a good ten minutes...
Oh, maybe they mean that he had a blade on him?
Or that they were put off their traditional Sunday morning breakfast of sausage sandwiches?
Tomato sauce with that anyone?
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Random musings of a random Moose
49 comments:
Hello everyone!
Did you miss me while I was in Long Island? Well I've got loads to report. And Moose, talking about sausage sandwiches when I'm stuck in Nassau airport waiting for my plane home (even after the preceeding story) is not fair!
I've seen my future husband. Promised to go out to Ft Lauderdale and see him in the New Year (even if he does come out to Andorra for New Year which is probably unlikely). Attended the town meeting which I will have to write about on my own blog as it's a long story and far too surreal for just now. I will be back tomorrow and probably a bit jet lagged but I'll try to get it done then.
For now though I must away.
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-
Deep laceration wounds huh? So did he cut it off or just wound it/himself?
Come on Moose, it's unlike you to only come up with half a story.
Especially a story that is SO wrong it's nearly bobbins. Or bobbit I s'pose. Snip snip.
Well it made me larf
love
hazel
x
Par-snips
ps Lyndyloo, do I need to buy a hat?
...looks like you've been spammed...which incidentally is the same in Spanish as it is in English...but in Spain a Spam Fritter would be a buñuelo del Spam...
oodafortit eh?
Morning al,
Moose whilst I accept that this story is better that the Labour party funding issues I have to object as typing with tears in my eyes is not easy! Are we sure that he actually did this to himself? I would find it a severe cry for help! Now if the same perpetrators could just be given a few moments with one Ian Huntley? ;-)
A for the spam I would have to ask for Ocho cervezas satisfacen, why I would need eight god only knows! ;-))
Seep you all later
Keith the NotSoBigUn
Xx
P.S. Not very PC (But Funny)
Nursing Home
A Pakistani family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Asian facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.
After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa Grandson asked, 'How do you like it here Grandpa?
'It's wonderful son! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says Grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know since you are different from everyone else.'
'Different!! Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,' Grandpa says with a big smile.
'There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your honour'!'
'There is a doctor here - 90 years old. He hasn't treated anyone for over 25 years and everyone calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And then there's me. They don't know this, but I haven't had sex for over 35 damn years, and they still call me, 'The F***ing Paki!''
Hola!
Now, be honest - when you saw the comment from "crescenet", you thought it was me blogging from Barcelona, didn't you?!
Well, I had a lovely long weekend - lovely sunny days, if a little chilly. It was just wonderful to be away from reality for a while!
Came home to the kitchen from hell - Mr S had "done his best" but that doesn't explain why every pot, pan and spoon that we own were sitting in the sink!
Glad to see you are all well. Hazel - lovely to see you back.
Lyndyloo - so looking forward to hearing the "full story"!
Amanda - have you managed to unpack yet? Moving office is a horrendous experience!
Be back later.
C xx
ooo-er Moose. Did he cut it off or just wound himself? There is a difference. Mind you it would still make your eyes water whatever ...
Nice to see you back Hazel - hope your back and the Badger are soon on the mend.
Lyndyloo - just one session with Moose and you've found your future husband??? Hazel's right - do we need to buy a hat?
Welcome back Chrissie - just think what your kitchen would have been like if Mr S hadn't "tried"!!!!
Off to do some Christmas shopping this afternoon - I have a date with a well known catalogue store.
Back later (or perhaps tomorrow)
Lyndyloo,
Can I use the same kilt as for CLP's nuptials or do I need a different tartan?
Ssssh (Just in case Hazels about) don't forget everyone that the kilt (and that which it covers) will be getting another airing tomorrow! Are we all ready? Now let's go over the list of who was getting what, one last time for safety's sake!
DD out
PS Who is providing the Sausage Sandwiches? Don't forget the ketchup and brown sauce! Anyone for Mustard?
Dear Mr DD
Big pants under short skirts are all the rage at the moment, so I shall be there with my tongue hanging out and doing big pants.
You have been warned.
fp out
Back home and somewhat tired.
Hat's can be put on hold just for now. I've known this man since last June and had decided last November at the Ft Lauderdale boat show that he was my future hubby. All that needs to happen now is for him to learn his lines in the script. Seriously though it was really good to see him again and we will meet up in the New Year.
HL- Welcome back hon!
DD- The kilt will be fine.
Don't forget it's my big birthday party on Saturday night, ABBA tribute band and everything... bring on the Dancing Queen!!!!
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-
I tagged you ....
With 7 things...
See My Blogspot for details.
Ha pee burfday 2 U
Ha pee burfday 2 U
Ha pee burfday dear A zel
Ha pee burfday 2 U
A Happy birthday poem…….
A Poem For Those Over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LA LOVE!
xx
Morning all
cough cough.....gargle gargle...
Hazel in my best singing voice just for you..............
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR HAZEL
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HIP HIP HOORAY, HIP HIP HOORAY
HIP HIP HOORAY........
Have a great birthday Hazel xx
Love and hugs
Mary xx
Happy Birthday HL!!!
Have a lurvely day honey!!
One more sleep to go till the party! Five more till the big day!
Mange tout
Lyndyloo
-x-x-x-
Hello Lyndyloo
How was your trip?
Lots of love to Mum and Dad xx
We have the same birthday but I'm four years ahead of you :o)
Have a brilliant time at your party xx
Mary xx
Happy Birthday Hazel! Can't sing, so won't try but have a great day.
Right then.
I'm sitting on my own in my ickle ossif wondering where Jack, the speedos and the kilt are.
Answers on a post card please
love
hazel
x
ps is anyone bringing vol au vents?
Happy birthday Hazel honey - and happy anniversary to you and the boy xxxx
SURPRISE!!!!!!!
I've bought the sausages, the ketchup and a hat - ta-da!!!!!
Hope you enjoy the party babe xx
Please can I have the hat with the feather on it?
Please can I have the hat with the feather on it?
Is that one hat or two? And how many feathers again? :-)
Happy Birthday hazel
I am still on a diet so I have brought a fresh fruit salad.
Can someone pass me a hat please?
Keith the NotSoBigUn
xx
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MS. HAZEL LOVE!!!
Sorry to be so late with my birthday greetings. Hope you have a wonderful day and that you are thoroughly spoiled by everyone.
It's a shame the Badger is below par - hope he gets well soon. He will just have to give you a birthday treat later. OO-ER!!
The lovely Amanda is not a well bunny and has asked me to pass on her love and good wishes for your birthday xxx
Lyndyloo - have a wonderful time at your party - enjoy every moment! The ABBA tribute thingy sounds as though it will be fab - no doubt Dancing Queen will be the highlight of the night, though I'm quite partial to Money, Money, Money too!! Have a great time.
Hope everyone else is o.k. I hate being busy and not able to blog!
C xx
Happy birthday Hazel, Love
I have brought my own quarter Pounder, and nuggets.
They is under the kilt!
Anyone for Gerkhin?
DD out
DD is there cheese with the quarter Pounder?
Anon, You tell me!
DD out
I'll have as many feathers as I'm allowed please thank you.
ChrissieS, please pass on my regards to lovely Amanda with the hope she gets better soon. There's a anawfulottofittabout yer know.
Keith. As it is a virtual salad, you can have mayonnaise and EVERYTHING on it, at no detriment to your eva slimming figga. (de'trim'ent...oh I'm on a roll...)
I'll have a slice of that bad boy
love
hazel
x
DD - keep still, will you - I'm trying to get a good look up yer kilt !
Well, it's been a long week .......
Keith - would you like a 'skinny' latte?
jollygit
That's not me with the cheese either so there.
...and Keith, fruit salad is delishus with mayo...or maybe a little freshly whipped something...
Moose! Where are ya!
"Aaaaaa-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
you put yer left arm in
love
hazel
x
Mssr Le Dave
I love gherkins. The badger does not. He used to be nicknamed Tigger, and didn't like them then either. Although honey is a bit of a fave.
wiggle it, just a liddle bit (am singing now)
l
h
x
Why Hazel I understand it is your birthday, it is just please do not make me have mayonnaise with my FRUIT salad. :-))
I will have some ketchup and Mayonnaise on my chips though (as they are virtual) please!
Is that Jollygit I can see over there checking out DD’s Quarter Pounder?
Keith the NotSoBigUn
xx
Ah something whipped…. Me first! ;-)
Keith the NotSoBigUn
xx
Oi, who's that pinching my pickles?
DD out
Jollygit now that I have been reminded that this is virtual full fat for me today! :-))
Keith the NotSoBigUn
xx
What do they call a Dissing Dave in France?
A Dissing Royale.
I have put in a request for ARF. I have no idea whether I'll get on, and with my general luck, if I do I shall probably be driving home and unable to take the call, so please accept this as your mention all you
GORGEOUS BONKERS LOVELY PEOPLE
L
H
X
X
X
X
X
X
Dear all I have to leave the party early I am afraid. ;-( I will be tuning into ARF.
Ah La Love have a great day! Here is your birthday {{{{{KISS}}}}
Have a good weekend one and all…
Keep smiling
Keith the NotSoBigUn
xx
Tee hee, sorry DD - just couldn't resist!!
That reminds me, I must put pickled walnuts on the Christmas shopping list ....
jollygit x
Never mind a Dissing Royale! If JG keeps going it'll be a Dissing Tergration!
Here's hoping you get on the ARF Hazel! Altered Images by any chance?
DD out
PS Anyone for a muffin, Ou est le Moose?
Akshully no, Sandstorm by Darude or if that was far too un-cheesy, Poison by the gawjus Mr Cooper...I think I have no chance! Maybe I shoulda gone for a Bowie thang...you just don't know though do you?
Who's been writing naughty words in the icing heh heh heh
Claire Grogan gawd 'elp us
Tickle my fancy and call me norman
love
hazel
x
PARTY!!!!!
Didn't realise I'd be needed for the virual one sarfternoon!
I've got party poppers a large trifle and some profit rolls with choccie sauce for dipping (that's dipping not dissing!!!)
Oh and a large bottle of JD with various cola drinks!!! Cheers!
Luv
Lyndyloo
-x-x-
ps. Moose has been very busy on t'phone with his most important client!
Sorry to have missed the virtual party - glad you all enjoyed yourselves, HL especially.
I'm at home today and therefore not sitting by a computer all day. However I am in the process of baking - I have some buns in the oven even as I type. (Actually they're chocolate muffins, but buns sounded risque-er!). And my garlic breads are rising in the airing cupboard. I'll give you all a shout when they're out just in case anyone fancies a nibble.
I'm assuming NC1 is in full operation this afternoon as I think I should be on my way there now ...
Hope DD hasn't totally diss-intergrated. Sounds painful.
lyndyloo of COURSE you're needed for the virtual party! After you with the cola drink...me JD's's starting to taste a bit strong...and analog...buns, muffins...ALL rude and very funny! Please may I have 100s&1000s on my one but not silver balls.
There's no Moose loose aboot this hoose and Donald wears yer trewsers
Have been away buying very sickly cakes for work. Now we have no milk for tea.
Hey as they say ho
love
hazel
x
Hiya one and all,
I am so sorry I missed the party today - I am gutted! It seems as though great fun has been had by everyone - haven't managed to read everything - but it takes me back to the "good old days" of our parties!
Can I just let you know, so you can send good thoughts over the weekend to Amanda - during her office relocation, she had a fairly bad fall. She has a very badly grazed and bruised leg and a fractured right elbow (aarrgh) - and it's bloody awful. She is not in plaster, but must move her arm all the time, which is the last thing she wants to do, it hurts! She will need to see the Physio next week, so we won't see her for a wee while. She is being so brave - I would be a shambling, gibbering, wreck - making everyone's life a misery.
Amanda - we'll all be thinking of you xx
To everyone else - the party go-ers, the shoppers, the people getting thinner by the minute (yes Keith, this means you) have a lovely weekend.
C xx
P.S. Thanks, Moose, as always, for making all this possible. x
You've all done very well.
Sincere apologies for being so late, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Hazel!!!!
Have a weird couple of days (everything weird except my number 1 client!) but weird in a good way. No chance to get online during the day on either of the last 2 days.
Have a great weekend anyone who's around...fab party to Lyndyloo on Saturday and see you all next week.
HL - happy birthday, im sorry i missed it and all the fun. t'is just like the old days!
Lyndyloo - Dance like a dancing queen, sing out as you give thanks for the music and order your chicken tikka for that midnight munchie. Have a fab party and in case i miss you in 4 days (which is likely, i have now given my life over to my job until the 21 December!) have a fabulous 21st birthday.
Lots of love to you all.
xx
Hiya,
Just calling in to say, cheerio - I'm off to Belfast today!
Our lovely bosses are taking us to Belfast for our Christmas bash (I know it's very early in December, but it's the only date everyone can make) and we are heading off at lunchtime today. Posh restaurant booked for this evening and staying overnight in a very nice hotel. Can't be bad, eh?!
Lyndyloo - I hope your party was fantastic. Hope to hear all about it soon.
Hope everyone else is ok, particularly Amanda - wee pet lamb!
Will be back in the office late afternoon tomorrow, so if I can focus I will drop in and say hello.
C xx
Good afternoon all
Thought I would just check in with you all! Where are you? Let’s be having you! (Woops sounding like Delia Smith) ;-))
Are you all suffering with hangovers? Except Chrissie who will not have a hangover until tomorrow…. Have a great party! ;-)
Just to update you since revealing just how much weight I have lost it has been two weeks. I have lost a further 5 lbs. Only four pounds to 8 stone! ;-) So that is my Christmas present to me, just got to do it now.
I will try to be back later…
Keep smiling
Keith the NotSoBigUn
xx
BIG LOVE to amanda! Poor honey XXXXXXXXXXXXX lots of kisses better
Such a packed weekend!
Hope you are all well
love
hazel
x
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Post a Comment